to hell and back

[absimilliard's adventures part seven]

after realizing that hell is not the torture chamber that we think it is, (see "helluva place"), me and my buddy mars (the genius who looks and thinks exactly like me), search the whole place for lucifer to ask him why hell is like one big party colliseum and why cerberus looks like an enormous three headed rottweiler, not like a mosquito.

we chanced upon this creature who looks like one big puddle of crap.

"hey, ain'tcha one big blob of dung! who're you supposed to be?", says mars.

"i'm beelzebub, prince of gluttony." says blob."

oh. we're looking for lucifer, do you, by any chance, know where he is?", says me.

"i'm not sure if he's here, actually. maybe you can ask my friend astaroth over there." he says, pointing to a big purple fella with a party hat on, sitting lazy in like, the biggest couch i've ever seen, with his feet resting on an adjacent table.

"thanks." i said, leaving the glutton and walking over the big purple sonofagun.

"hey, you look like somebody from a console game i'm playing. anyway, can i ask you a question?"

"go right ahead." he said, standing up and cracking his knuckles.

i looked like an ant in font of him. he must be at least eight feet tall. and purple.

"uh, we're looking for lucifer, you know where we can find him?"

"he's over there, see that big black door? he should be busy now convincing politicians to sell their souls, but you can try talking to him." astaroth says.

"gee, thanks."

we walked over to the big black door the purple guy pointed us to. on the door it says, office hours, 8am to 3pm, central time. beneath it is a sign that says "go to hell".

we let ourselves in.

"hey, you're not lucifer, you're bill gates!" says mars.

"huh?! who're you?", lucifer says, surprised.

"i'm absimilliard, and this is my associate, mars. are you bill gates?"

"no, i'm lucifer. i just go by that name some of the time. so, what brings you here? are you here to enlist as well? i could sure use you guys around here. it's becoming crazy lately, too many souls coming in, so much to keep track of, so little time. i need more help keeping these people drunk."

"so little time? i thought you had an eternity to spend?"

"yeah, but doesn't everybody? so.. can i get you children something? booze perhaps?"

"no, thank you. we're just here to get some questions answered."

"okay. for a moment there i thought you wanted to join the party. so, what do you kids have in mind?"

"we were just wondering if that's a cerberus you got there guarding the gates, and why is hell one big party, unlike what's written in the holy book. i thought this place was a torture chamber. what the hell is so hellish about this place anyway?"

"kids. hahaha. yes, that's a hellhound, his name is cerberus. and the reason why they keep saying hell is a place of torment is because we're in the middle of war here, we get our soldiers and populace from the inhabitants of earth. they'll describe hell as one ugly place to get more converts to join their cause. think of it as one big corporate conglomerate advertising strategy lifted for potential clients to get more companies to merge with them. it's ingenius, actually. their marketing angels are too much for my sales demons."

"oh. that makes sense. i guess you've answered our questions then."

"yeah, we need to leave. we still have an appointment with god." says mars.

"sure. come visit us sometime then. i'll have a huge party waiting for you both when you come back. here's my business card. in case you need help with just about anything. y'know, pesky neighbors, corporate backstabbers, crazy civilians, anything."

"well.. we'll sure give that a thought, cap'n."