few years back..

scratch what i said about being happy and content.

i wrote this letter to my ex fiancee. we had it goin' pretty well until she broke up with me. i thought it could win her back.

here goes..

i remember when we first met. we tried hard not to look at each other all night. but we knew we kept glancing at each other every chance we got. it was fun, and it was nice, because after that, we slept beside each other. and then i kissed you that morning. that was your first kiss. i knew it was something special.

i remember mount claire. every weekend i waited for you to arrive. i wrote you that big welcome note saying "i love you mommy! thanks for coming..". you'd help me with my take home work and every night we'd go out and decide what meal to cook and what ingredients to buy. and then we'd drink. i'd write most of the time while drinking, and you'd just sleep. i'd then lie beside you when i'm either drunk or tired.

not long after that, you helped me apply in a call center. we'd go out every payday just to be together because we still didn't have a place back then. we'd meet during lunch, or after shift, and smoke together or just talk.

i remember pembo. we moved together to that small place. our schedules didn't match and we had to sleep by ourselves. you wrapped the pillow with my shirt and shorts so you can hug it like you would hug me if i was there. we moved to the top room months afterwards and it was alright.

things got a little better, we thought. and our schedules matched, too. we'd go out to the office every night together and go home together. it was sweet.

i remember parañaque. we were happy. because we could sleep together peacefully without the noise. and our house was so nice. it wasn't always spic and span, but we managed somehow. we stayed there for as long as we could. it was good, because you would cook for me and have dinner / breakfast waiting for me when i get home.

and then you got promoted. we were happy for a time. because we were able to step up in our payments. our schedules were mismatched but we did our best to keep up with each other.

i left the call center industry in hopes of making it big in the business world. it was alright in the beginning but we didn't make it big because of financial difficulties with the investors. i tried to do my best. when i came back to town, things have changed. you were too caught up in your work and we began to see less of each other. i guess that's the time you got used to being alone.

things went from bad to worse after that. we tried making it work, i know i did. and because i had more free time, i had to cook food for both of us and sometimes do our laundry. i was home most of the time so i put your shirt and shorts on the pillow and hug it tight.

everything was still fine, but then i felt that i was losing you. circumstances happened after one another and we became totally aloof. there was this unnameable cold. this gloom, surrounding our relationship.

you left me there because you decided couldn't live with me anymore because you need to be home for your family. and then you broke up with me weeks after that. how i regret that day i let you move out. i blame myself for not being strong enough. not being expressive enough of my love. i could've done a lot of things. if i knew things were gonna end this way, i would've done a lot of things differently.

misery and sadness gripped me and then i started committing one stupid mistake after another. i felt hopeless over a lot of things and my self-esteem dropped lower and lower. the only person i looked up for comfort was the one person i can't have.

i ask myself everyday, what.. happened.

i love you ma. nothing can change that. i know you don't want me back. but i want you to know that one day you'll realize how much we are losing by living separate lives. i want my wife back.

you know i was never a big fan of change. but you're so different now. stronger. and that's good. i'm happy for you.

you said you wanted to pursue your career for the both of us. and so you did. congratulations. you made it big, but it put the relationship in jeopardy. seems you can't have everything.

i hope in your dream, i was there with you at the top. i can never say enough sorries to convince you to come back. and i understand, when you said that you want to remain single, and that you want to find someone else. but please, think about it. we only live once, and i don't want to waste the years we've spent together on a careless whim.

you don't have to be too strong, to enjoy life. and a person can never be any stronger than necessary. i still love the new you. but the new you does not love me.

please come back. this is my last attempt at winning you back. please come back. we can make this work. i'm begging you. if not for me, do it for my son. he loves you so much and he keeps asking me when he's gonna see you again.

please. i'm still hanging on to that dream of ours. your promise, that you will never leave me. i hold you to that promise.

please come back. i'll do anything. please.

even then, these words couldn't sway her. so much hate. so little me.