in here.. i am king!

in a world where super heroes are mere figments of imagination, and powers cannot be recognized unless they are levels beyond, i regret to say that comic book heroes are nigh improbable and that, comic books, have failed to do their purpose.

nevertheless, in lieu of the commonplace sobriquet of character slash individual definitions, i have come to realize a great deal of importance accompanying the common man. some of them do have powers. though most of them would generally be considered inessential as they are ridiculous,

they are unique, nonetheless.

in view thereof, i have decided to disclose to my audience, the dark secrets absimilliard has been amassing all these years. yes, absimilliard, lowlife he may be, DOES have powers. hidden behind a guise of average-jerk-no-ambition-hiding-behind-his-laptop-dork persona, i am, newtons beyond normal. and that does not even include his godlike sex appeal and smooth talk.

i know, right? (cheese and rice, where'd you get this guy?)

hooookay.. kidding aside.. here's a list of my powers and frailties. alright. wait. here's a list of what i can.. and cannot do. how's that?

yep. my merits and flaws.

i can hear specific high frequencies including ultrasonic. i can hear a neighboring tv frequency, and i know when a neighbor's tv is on, even while i'm locked up in a room.

i can detect perceptive glare. i can sense when somebody is staring at me, and i always know where someone is looking at. wanderlust included.

i can see minutes into the future. strangely enough, i can't seem to change it.

i have superhuman convincing powers. i can convince anybody they have an itch on their back. stop scratching your back. it's not real. see what i mean?


i have significant control over my nervous system. i can pass the polygraph test. and no. it doesn't mean anyting. it's not like i'm a compulsive liar.

i can smell and predict weather. my nose knows, you know? believe me when i say it's gonna rain tomorrow. bring your coat.

i have bionic resistance to kinetic impact. yes, i'm resilient to blunt force and no, bullets don't bounce off me, so don't ask. but that's gotta count, right?

i have 13% chance of mind control, whereas the normal person has 3.4%, and i have yet to develop it.

due to my heroic brain activity, my alcohol tolerance is 3 times greater than the average, fatigue or lack of sleep considered.

i have the gift of tongues, i can adapt any language. and yes, the rumours are true, absimilliard speaks five languages.

i have the uncanny ability to learn and acquire skills at 300% the normal rate.

my internal organs are more than intact, they're the next step of evolution for mankind. i can only be killed by aggravated damage. i'm immortal.


i can metabolize twice as fast. that means i heal twice as fast, and i have zero chance of acquiring an obesity condition.

i have the heart of an ox. i can run through a wall.

i see auras and facades. nothing escapes me.

my fighting ability or brawl skill is that of captain america. blackbelt is peanuts to me.

my perception is all encompassing. i can see a fly in a crowded room. i have eyes on the back of my

head. i see everything. i see dumb people. myself included.

my skin cells are very sensitive. my sense of touch is uncontrollably acute. anything that touches me or part of my outfit, i can feel.

my sense of taste is extraordinary. i can sniff out the italian seasoning in an italian food with italian flavoring or italian dressing.

my mind can handle multiple objectives at any given time. i can talk on the phone, hum a tune, create an equation, document an interaction, cook spicy food, and blog, all at the same time.

i understand the physics of racing games better than the hardcore racing fanatics. i am unbeatable with racing games. still, it is limited to keyboard control. i have twiddle fingers, not twiddle thumbs.

sadly, i am not without fault. powerful absimilliard may be, he has numerous flaws as well.

no matter how much or how hard i try to learn, my memory discards every so often, considerably decreasing the amount of knowledge i can absorb or keep during long periods of time. so i gotta keep learning. i'd forget it anyway.

because i have preternatural resistance to the intoxicating effects of alcohol, i have become abusive to the point of subconsciously forcing my mind and body to rely on alcohol to operate.

my ingenuity is too great, thereby causing me to skip the simple aspects of a given situation. now i've become dumb as soup.

my heart beats irregularly, i can only experience simulated human emotions and not really feel it.

my lungs have grown too powerful, and that i had to pump it full of carcinogens in order to keep it at bay level, now my lungs rely on nicotine to survive.

my conscience has dissipated, i am nearing the edge of my sanity and my humanity hangs by a thread.

my cognoscenti hardly needs any sleep to induce oxygen levels on the latter part of my meninges, so now i avoid suspending my consciousness as much as i can, thereby causing extensive stress that grips my entire being. and that i need to retire.

most of my demerits are derivatives of abuse. seems i haven't been putting my heaven-sent talents to good use. hmm, that superhero flick was right. with great power comes great responsibility.

my goodness. responsibility my butt. i just need a drink.