catching up with time

in a book written by lewis carol, "through the looking glass", there is a scene of alice and the red queen running fast, but the background, oddly enough, isn't moving. "this forest," the queen tells alice, "is in constant motion that you have to run faster than the forest just to get somewhere."

it reminds me of how i was, years ago. i kept wishing that one day everything would just stop, because i was always being left behind. i felt that the world was moving too fast, and that i could never catch up. and everytime i thought i finally did, there would always be some new theme that everyone else is in on and i would still be stuck with the predecessor.

i felt bad then because i thought i was hopeless and that it wasn't just because the world was moving too fast, but i was moving too slow. i always told my friends how i felt and they would tell me that i am an overly pessimistic person and that i have such a negative point of view.

it's not just negative. it's rotten.

i found this entry in my journal, dating back to that year. "i have no place left in this world. there is nothing here but sad memories, evil hearts, and twisted thoughts. i bear witness to how sick it has become. and everything i do just makes it ever more futile. i guess i'm just too old fashioned for this world. "

i never understood to this day why i felt that way. i always thought i had solid reasons to validate my distaste for the world and how things were. it's like the world has done me a lot of hurt, but i can't really point a finger knowing i'd end up pointing to a mirror looking at myself.

things have changed a bit over the years. now i wonder whether i've discovered to move with the world or i'm already moving too fast for the world. or maybe, just.. maybe.. the world has eventually stopped spinning altogether for everyone.

i either finally caught up with the times or just plain convinced myself not to care at all.

when i think about it with a more mature perspective.. these things.. all these.. don't matter.

"it's not important anymore. it's forgotten."