the absimilliards do bora

(absimilliard's adventures part twelve)

after being harassed by hundreds of people about going to the famed beaches of boracay, i finally gave in to reason. that the place will be action packed with swag, it'll be sick.

"alright, alright. i hope it's worth it."

"it will be, bro."

instead of using the time-travelling spacetime-jumping ferrari beast, we decided to do it the way people would normally do. by rental van. we didn't ride the bus since we are with child. no, not my son. the nephew. believe it or not, absimilliard does have siblings.

after a witch of a long ride to the port, we finally arrived. there wasn't much leg room at the back row because the seats were jammed close together so as to enable the rental van to accommodate four rows. my back hurt like hell but my abdominal pads ripped because i had to seat myself that the spine won't have to absorb all the strain.

there were four windows of cashiers, three of them we had to pay off. terminal fees and everything. i gave the cashier a naughty smile as i made my payment.

"thank you, sir."

"my pleasure, señorina."

i proceeded to the second window and was greeted by the same face. "what the.. wasn't i just talking to you?"

"i have no idea what you're talking about. that'll be fifty bucks for each of youse."

"you..wha.. alright.. here you go."

third window. "you got to be kidding me, right?"

"problem, sir?"

"you're the girl in the first and second window! c'mon, admit it!"

"fifty bucks, for each of y'all. you have problems, take it up with security."

"alright, alright, coolit, i got this. here. i get it.. y'all look the same to me."

"whatever." she says, rolling her eyes over.

at the terminal..

"sir, we need to inspect them luggage."

"go right ahead, boss."

"sir, i need to ask you a few questions about these items."

"those things? hahaha. them all's peripherals, officer."

"excuse me?"

"gadgets, my friend. this is rocket science right here."

"i need to ask you what these containers err.. contain."

"oh. they're harmless. just some sensitive items."

"what kind of items, sir?"

"..sensitive."

"alright. alright. just go on ahead and proceed to the corridor on the right."

"we appreciate your help, officer."

"you sure showed 'im, mars."

we didn't enjoy the boat ride that much because it was just a fifteen minute sit. couldn't appreciate it because the boat fellow pulled the plastic cover down to keep us from being splashed. no sea air, no fun.

we were greeted by a local asset at the port who was to guide us to our hotel. another twenty minute ride in a thing they call "multicab".

"i'm getting sick of all this. where the heck is the beach, sissy?"

"be patient, kuya. we're almost there."

"i'm getting pms already."

"pms?!"

"perpetual motion syndrome."

"uhh. well.. i.. oh great, we're here!"

boracay. home to the white sand bitc*es and illegal aliens. land of liquor and all things worldly. after checking in at the hotel, we decided to meet up at the beach to discuss our gameplan.

"okay. so we're all here. i don't think we'll get to swim. rain's really coming down hard."

"yeah. besides, baby's acting up. we better take him back to the hotel."

"you go on right ahead, we'll stay here and drink."

"alright. you kids be good now."

"will do, big sis."

we ordered drinks and bought some hotdogs. we stared at each other for what seemed like hours.

"that's it?! i thought this was supposed to be fun?!"

"look around, abs. can't you see? the place is crawling with women! take your pick!"

"hot damn! you're right!"

"damn straight, holmes, i'ma lose my virginity here!"

"whaaaat?!"

"i'm kidding, milliard. hey.. didn't you say your uhh.. woman is coming?"

"oh hahaha. yep. she'll be here any moment. i'ma get me some tonight, done deal!"

"dammit, what about us? what are we supposed to do now? not fair!"

"look, mars, why don't you and ares loiter and see if you can catch yourselves some game. i'll wait here and drink myself to death."

"good idea. sit tight now, we'll be upping our ante in a little bit."

i drank what seemed like two dozen bottles. the two gentlemen never came back. i guess they must be neck deep in the evils of beaching.

"oh shhii*. hic. i can't see shi*. i.. hic.. gotta.. git up.. hic.. dammit.."

"hey stranger."

"whassat? you.. hic.. who there?"

"it's me. c'mere. i'll take you to your room."

"thhhankks. i damn near pissed meself. hic.. youse a angel, honey.. hic."

"you try and have some rest, boss. i'll get you some coffee."

an hour later i sobered up a little.

"uhh. so.. how'd you get here, hot hips?"

"found you at the beach. you were kissing that bottle and hugging the table. you were with those.. women. you were gonna go with them. had to bail you outta there."

"goodness. thanks, i guess. i would've been singing engel and du hast mizh with them right about now. my head hurts. bring any pill for me?"

"yeah. advil. here you go."

"thanks, babelicious. owe ya. you sures take care of me don'tcha?"

"i'm just doing what i can, sir. you better get some sleep now. we'll talk in the mornin'."

"wait. grab that red pouch, will ya? it's on the table right there. there's medicine in it. get me two of what you can find, angel eyes. winkwink."

"oookaay.. what's this?"

"gimme that. toss me that bottle of water, mommythings."

"i said.. what the heck is that?!"

"endurance tablets, baby! hahahaha! what, you think you can get away this time?! c'mere, daddy wanna play! let's do sacred things and make animal noises. y'know, mommydaddy stuff."

"oh god. here it comes."

woke up early morning aching in places i've never known could ache.

"some night, huh. i think i'ma go out an' jog a little, sugarlips."

"duh. quit acting like you can even remember what happened."

"jesus, babe.. why are you so cruel to me?"

"just do what you gotta do, okay? i need to sleep."

came back after a couple of hours.

"wow. you look tremendous, ladybug. mmm. i love ya."

"you're such a DOM, mister."

"delicious old man? you don't say!"

"whatever. have you checked on your siblings yet?"

"yeah uh.. they're downstairs waiting for us. breakfast."

"take a bath. you smell like beer."

after breakfast we went for a stroll to see what the place has to offer. same bars. same hotels. same thing. same as any other beach. island hopping, banana boating, wakeboards, washboards, soapboards. and then there's the henna booths.

"i got a great idea, mars. i'ma walk up to those booths and get a henna."

"what for? yer peppered full of tattoos already."

"get this.. i'ma go there and have them henna my tattoos off with regular skin color. how's that? genius, yes?"

"great idea. let's go."

while walking, we happened upon a group of women wearing almost nil.

"great worldliness! check out the locals!"

"goodness gracious! so much swag! noooooooo!"

"help you with anything?" says this lady.

"i.. uhh.. excuse me?"

"i got black, white, brown, yellow. what's your mojo?"

"my mojo?!"

three pages of mature content later..

"where've you been?, we've been looking all over for you." says big sister.

"that's funny. we've been looking for youse too!"

"whatever. let's do what we came here to do. where's your girl?" says little sister.

"oh i uhh.. i just called her. she'll be here any sec."

"great. let's party!"

so it went on, with me learning many things. that the place is just like any other resort. that money is your yellow passkey, and charm as your red passkey. the white sand extends up to a hundred meters plus off the shore, the bars are great, the hotels are wonderful, the food is alright, the locals are as friendly as expected of our countrymen, the women are like no other, and the beach itself is.. well.. it's the beach. same as it's always been.