the catalyst

"vi veni veriversun vivus vici."

i have it etched on my back as a reminder of the penalty being exacted by my fugue.

they used to say the truth sets you free. they don't say that anymore.

still.. does it?

i delete all the messages in my phones. inbox, outbox, sent items, drafts, everything. i need to make sure nothing is left behind. i am consciously triggering the lethe. i will not remember anything in the morning. i'll just apologize tomorrow. i'd still be resented, but i will be understood.

i'll then convince myself that everything around me is fine.

i'll be left with the knowledge that i have detached a portion of my psyche. i deny myself the luxury of looking back. i tell myself not to care. i bury my curiosity.

i have enforced restraint. i'll regret that i did. and i will despise myself for doing so, because as soon as i wake up, i'd still be looking for answers and searching for at least a hint of what happened or what was said.

"por el poder de la verdad, mientras viva, habre conquistado el universo."

i live inside my head. my world is shaped by the lies i fabricate for myself, hidden behind a pretense of living a lucid mortal coil, devoid of any trivial strife. ignorance, is my only shot at a normal life.

tonight, i'll be dreaming of clouds. believing i have saved myself yet again from another miserable memory, dismissing any possibility of recoil.

the lethe will drag pieces of my soul along with it, eating away at my humanity with abandon. i tell myself.. the less i remember, the easier it is for me. yet in reality it won't be.

i am a residue of my recollections, made up of half truths and twisted facts. never more absolute than the scrap of maxims i leave myself with.

"by the power of truth, i while living, have conquered the universe." - faust