how to tell how gay your gay son is

your children are gay, you have always known it! but how can you prove it for sure? behold, a guide to proving your son is gay! these are can't-fail tests that should have you diagnosing deviant offspring as early as age 5. there's no use bothering with your daughter; she's stuck as a girl as it is.

1. casually ask your son at dinner, "so, ever have sex with a woman?" if he appears uncomfortable, he's gay. non-gays like sex with women.

2. place two photographs in front of your son lying face down. on the left place a photograph of tom welling, tv's gay superman; on the right place the stern but genial visage of james dobson. flip them over simultaneously. which does your son look at first? if he looks at tom welling, he is gay. if he looks at james dobson, he is gay with an unnatural fixation for james dobson.

3. tell your son you are going outside to play ball and wrestle alligators. then shove your son to the ground repeatedly and say, "whassamatta, crybaby? gonna cry? gonna cry?" if he cries he is a great big pussy and therefore gay. if he "takes it like a man" he's still gay, but one of those butch tough-guy gays, like a "bear" or a "top."

4. dunk your son into a deep pool of water. if he floats to the top, he is full of buoyant gaymotrons (identified by physicists as the gay particle) and therefore gay. if he sinks to the bottom and drowns, he is a poor swimmer and unathletic and therefore gay. if he begins to sink and then just sorta hangs there, the water is gay.

5. starve a large wolf cub for two days and have it wrestle your son. if he loses to the wolf, he's gay - it was only a wolf cub! if he beats the wolf, he is a lesbian. if he is beaten mercilessly by the wolf while apologizing for its economic agenda, he is a log cabin republican. if he is bitten by the wolf, he is now a werewolf. shoot him with a silver bullet before the rising of the next full moon.