shadows of solitude

(avatar of loneliness part two)

i wake up in the middle of a room. the room is.. familiar. i've stayed in this room many times before. there's a stack of documents on the floor. i see the laptop on the desk across my bed. scattered on the small table beside me are some styrofoam cups. i've been drinking too much coffee again.

i try to feel for any movement on the bed. i open my eyes and glance to my left. i see a woman lying beside me. i rub my eyes and she disappears. there's nobody there. i must be alone. i bury my face on the pillow. "get a grip, abs. go back to sleep.."

i stay still and try to think back.

i must've dozed off doing my reports last night. i try to pretend i can't remember the destitute night i just had. i lift my head and i am struck by a headache. i try to move but i feel my body ache in places i never knew could hurt.

i force myself to get up. i pick my clothes up from the floor and grab the towel on the chair.

"where am i going?"

i turn around and stare at the bed for a few seconds. she used to just lie there while i take a bath.

i turn the heater up and open the shower. i let the water run over my head and through my body. i lean my shoulder against the wall and think hard.

another "business trip".

i finish up and search my bag for fresh clothes.

i move my eyes around the room and across the bed. the place is desolate, and the gloomy fixtures just add to the dreariness of the place.

i feel the tattoos on my sides itch so bad i scratch it. it's bleeding again.

i stare at the mirror for what seemed like hours. i close my eyes and take a deep breath. i can still smell her scent. i'm imagining again. "good that i remember."

i fix my things and put them all in my bag. time to check out. i still have an appointment with that division chief lady.

i open the door and scan the room for the last time.

her image still lingers in this room. her memories still haunt me.

i see the bed, and she's there, sleeping peacefully. i look at the table, she's drinking coffee and reading the paper. i glance at the bathroom and she's walking out, rubbing her hair with a towel. i turn to the table and she's sitting in front of the mirror putting her earrings on. she turns around, sees me and smiles.

i shut the lights and she fades, leaving only the sunlight radiating from the window to the chair where she used to sit.

"goodbye, babe.."

there is a nameless twilight accompanying me. an indescribable cold surrounding my being. i guess my heart fails more than i thought it should. yet i have to keep these things to myself. i am required not to display any hint of vulnerability.

deep down, it's killing me. i still have strong feelings for her. i loved her, no doubt. and every time i think of a way to win her back, i fail. every angle i see has me losing her. i am living a stalemate. i try to convince myself i'll be better off this way. that i should call this what this really is.

an intricate shell.

built upon the image of a lonely individual pretending to find comfort in his seemingly chimerical memories.

aftermath of a failed relationship.

"what's bothering you, abs? everytime i talk to you, you're someplace else."

"i'm.. i'm alright."

long have i been harboring strong desires to be with somebody. long have my dreams of settling down been taken from me. long have my hopes been exiled. long have my frustrations been a strain. too long have i been wanting.

with each passing day, my heart crumbles. as the pressure from work and the burden of solitude tries to eat its way inside me, i wilt. no matter how hard i try, i can only dwell on bitter memories of lost relationships. ever shall i be caught within this blight.

"there will be no dawn.. for the wicked."