machinimation

(absimilliard's adventures part fourteen)

"alright! i'm ready!"

"cool! let's go! uhh.. where're we goin'?"

"machinima, my friend."

"okay.. lets.. what the heck's machinima?"

"it's what some people call the 'gaming promised land'."

"i thought that was college?"

"whatever man, so.. are y'all's with me or not?"

"oh what the heck.. let's get our game faces on!"

"alright! halo 3, here we come!"

"whoah.. waitaminute..stop!"

"what is it, milliards?"

"we can't go there."

"uh.. why's that?"

"didn't you know? microsoft's gone gestapo on the machinimist community."

"and..?"

"the big man already issued explicit rules for using its stable of games as engines for machinima projects. that's why machinima dot com and the rest of the machinimist community has gone nuclear against them, haven't you seen the threads?"

"oh.. i thought machinima had always been sort of an underground movement, y'know, with a certain kind of punk sensibility to it."

"yeah, and the big man says it's 'cordial' and that their heart is in the right place, telling us that they just want to maintain control of their products."

"so.. no back stories or lost chapters or anything like that?"

"nope. it's a sad day for machinimists like us."

"machinima schwachinima, are we goin' or what?"

"'course. alrights mister moses.. take me to the promised land!"

"okay! i was thinkin' maybe blizzard's juggernaut."

"which one? they're all of them juggernauts. remember the release of diablo 2? it dwarfed all other releases."

"they went 'all shall love me and despair!' and everything."

"yeah. and everything caught in it's path were trampled like a newly summoned phyrexian dreadnought. ubergamers were already amassing at the gates of blizzard."

"that's why most companies avoided the release like a plague from old times. the only other game i know which stood it's ground was baldur's gate 2."

"that's sad. there's a veritable smorgasboard melange of other potential game of the year candidates."

"not with diablo 2, they aren't."

"let's see.. what about warcraft?"

"wherever the beast may take us, my friends."

after an hour of tweaking the ferrari beast ride and making preparations for their journey, the three hopped on and blasted their way into the matrix.

"unauthorized entry. must prevent invasion. must shoot. will terminate.." says man-bot.

"what the.. i thought we were headed for azeroth?!"

"i thought so too. hmm. think maybe i need to change the transmission oil or somethin'?"

"i think you need to fix the damned dials."

"let's try again. tallyhoo!"

the three adventurers dimension-hopped right into a peon's farm.

"zug zug!"

"oh hey, there's that peon. hello farmer. we're lookin' for the temple of the damned."

"dabbhu."

"uhh.. sorry, we don't speak orc."

"i do!", says mars.

"alright. you talk to him."

mars jumps out the vehicle and speaks with the confused peon in orcspeak.

"you understand what they're saying, ares?"

"no, man. haven't a clue."

minutes later, mars comes back.

"so.. what'd he say?"

"he says they haven't built it yet, that they're so busy building everything else in preparation for the siege being launched against the great turtle."

"the great turtle?!"

"ss'wat he said, man, ackss him."

"ain't that what you were supposed to do?"

"well.. wouldja prefer we talk to that tauren hulk instead?"

"wow. he looks plenty hungry. checkitout, he's got more tattoos than you do, abs."

"we're just sightseeing anyhoo. besides.. that thing looks like it would care less about our questions and instead figure how he's gonna tenderize us with that log he's got slung over his back and cook us into tiny devolved little pieces."

"like.. absimilliard sushi.. but.. tinier."

"and more tender than beat up sirloin.."

"rrrright. let's just drive along this path. we'll get somewhere soon enough."

after a thirty minute drive, they arrived at the gate of a huge city.

"halt! tresspassers are not allowed inside the great city."

"good day, sir. we're not tresspassing. we're just uh.. passing. is this the city of the great turtle?"

"yes."

"good then, we've come to the right place. we seek audience with his highness about an impending siege."

the footman led them inside the great city and into the great throne room of the great castle, where a dozen great knights await them, including the great king."

"good day, milord. we've come to tell you about the erathian siege being prepared by the horde."

"oh. hahaha. i know about that. seen it. the friggin' orcs don't scare me. they can't do squat against the cool defenses i got in place here. i've built turrets like the great wall all over the city. it's the dark elves i'm worried about. besides, i know their king. he's not that bright. i once fragged his butt eighty seven times in an unreal tournament 2 lan party."

"but.. i've seen their war drums and from the looks of it, they're gonna lay waste to scores of multiplayer maps!"

"hahahaha. i got this. don't worry. just watch the minimap and you'll see what i mean. bring it!"

"if i may speak freely, milord."

"'sures, whattup?"

"uh.. i'm amazed you don't speak this age."

"'course, son. i'm an american. i'm just a gamer. besides, i'll be 'afk' in another hour. i gotta get back to my editorial. i work for pc gamer, y'know. read the mag?"

"oh yes, sure. i got plenty a' back issues. so.. does this mean i'm getting a year's worth of free subscription?"

"now that you've mentioned it, yes. just leave your details with my mage over there."

"the twitchy dude with the shaky fingers and feather pen?

"hells.. yeps."

"wow, thanks. one other question, if i may, oh great king."

"shoot."

"why do they call you 'the great turtle'?"

"heard about that, eh? t'was this nickname they gave me 'coza my notorious turtle tactics."

"uhuh.. what's that?"

"turtling, for those living outside a shell, is a hyper-defensive play strategy whereby you build your base into an impenetrable fortress that can repel any attack, including mr. thompson's legal assaults. using stationary defenses, walls, and shields, you can hold off an enemy that outnumbers you three to one, or more. eventually, your opponent will lose patience and overextend himself, ordering all a' his units to their doom in a futile attack, and that's when the turtle pops his head out of his shell and strikes a killing blow against the enemy base, which, typically, is nearly undefended. most players don't spend a lot of resources on base defense when you haven't been attacking all game, y'know."

"oh. i see. that's genuine. well.. thanks for the enlightenment, kind sir."

"my pleasure. just email us your questions. you know our addy."

"will do."

the three are escorted back to their vehicle.

"that was educational. let's speed browse multiple worlds before we go home."

"good idea."

absimilliard button mashes the controls of the vehicle at random, sending them to different gameworlds.

"oh hey, he looks familiar."

"of course. everybody knows him. i mean, everybody who's as cool as us knows. it's the wanderer, and that's his beloved dogmeat."

"nice."

"oh.. wow! i've never seen an obelisk of light up close! talk about immense power, dude!" ares says, pointing to a towering structure zapping a tank like a scene from war of the worlds.

"oh look.. alphonse loehr and victor lasanti.. in the flesh!"

"you mean digitized flesh or polygons, milliards."

"wow, and there's the lord of destruction, lord of terror, and the lord of hate, playing poker!"

"never seen 'em in one place."

"not true, one of the cutscenes in diablo 2 shows them happily reunited as they walk inside the portal."

"look, isn't that kane and lynch, duking it out in hardcore melee again?"

"eidos sure knows how to create diverse personalities."

"aww.. sims, cute! lookit, that chic is mowing the lawn wearing nuthin' but net!"

"viva piñata!"

"bloodpledge!"

"bejeweled!"

"wow. lookit, space marines!"

"are those flying suits?"

"nah. they went obsolete since xcom apocalypse."

"they look more like power armor mk2 from fallout tactics."

"i wouldn't think so. the brotherhood of steel don't just lend their signature equipment."

"yeah? what about fallout two?"

"it's self explanatory, dood. that was an abandoned bunker."

"vault, man."

"whatever. i'm pooped. let's split."

walking back to the ferrari beast dimension jumpin' machine, the three geniuses reflect on their otherwordly experience.

"those sisters of battle sure looked snazzy in their armor."

"you can say that again."

"still.. i think the machinimist community shouldn't be treated like the companies making action figures for the hit movies."

"i know. they should be considered as respectable viral marketeers because if not for their noble actions, there wouldn't otherwise be so much internet traffic generating enough retail sales making it viable business models for game companies to acquire free advertising by itself instead of signing contracts with ad companies. machinima's positive impact on their overall sales is being underestimated, y'know. it's just sad."

"yeah, because unlike message-driven advertising, which interrupts people and shouts 'buy my product!', the ideas passed from one person to another via word-of-mouse is seen as authentic and important. it's the most powerful form of advertising and they're taxing the machinimist heroes with royalties just so they can have a piece of the action."

"sigh. but look on the bright side.. at least we got away with our halo mugs."

"hahaha, no shit. they'll never know which site we bought it from."

"not if they check with paypal."

"it's not my credit card anyhow."

"hahaha, you clever sonofabeastlord!"

"i know, right? let's get out of here before somebody sees us."

"yep. hey.. i got a great idea, let's visit jeff green again. i just read greenspeak and he's talking about some cool idea for an AMPRGPoAMRGWaM."

"a what?!"

"american mcgee presents richard garriott's production of american mcgee's richard garriott's whac-a-mole".

"hahaha. clever guy he is."