ever a lady

everybody keeps talking about how despicable and deceitful you are. that you are surrounded by immorality and that every word you breathe is a lie. they say a lot of hurtful things about you. they keep trying to convince me to open my eyes and see the light.

i don't need to be convinced. they can call me stupid. i don't mind. people may say a lot about me, but it only adds to what others may say about them.

"immoral? don't say that. who are we to preach about morality? we don't even know it ourselves."

"you know i'm right, dude."

"no. nobody is."

"you can't.. change the world, abs."

"can't i?"

"you have noble intentions, i get that. but listen to reason, man.. can't you see? it's killing you."

i was this close, to pulling you away from all that. i guess maybe i tried too hard. i now realize that no matter what i do or who i try to be, i can never change a person's heart. especially not yours.

of all the people who knew, i am the only one who has any standing right to hate you. but i won't.

i'm bigger than that.

i know you think about these things too.

you never meant to hurt anybody. least of all, me. you don't know it yet but i'll say it for you. you can be a good person. because i believe nobody is all that bad. we are all victims of fate. and we all have our own reasons.

i know that you never did care about what others think or how others feel, i just wish that you'd at least listened to what i had to say. because it matters more than the rest. i could have saved you from all this. i could have at least protected your image, had i been granted a little more time.

i've heard the meanest things about you. but i don't have the resolve to judge you. neither do i have a right to condemn you like they do. i'll bury the truth deep inside me where no one will find it, not even myself.

i would like to remember you as a wonderful girl. a beautiful woman. a lady.

i never thought of you as anything less than that.

as much as i would like to take credit from others and be appreciated being thought of as a good man to be able to say all these, but that would take away its essence. no. i am not a good man, neither am i a bad person. i'm just a man who fell blindly in love.

you, above all people, know that.

and because of that, i will grant you your graceful exit. never mind about what others have to comment about you. they're allowed to have some.

so i made up this fictional conversation of what should have been our last talk. you don't have to worry about what really happened. nobody has to know, because it's not important anymore. it'll be just another bad memory. i know my heart can take plenty more of those.

consider this my gift. belated happy birthday. you're a good girl. remember that. don't let anybody tell you different.

"hey."

"what are you doing here? what.. why did you come back?"

"..."

"i was okay. i was beginning to forget. for the first time after you left, i was able to sleep. why? ..why now?"

"you know why. it's not like i had a choice. it's been.. tough. i.. needed the money."

"i wanted to see you so badly, but i could never bring myself to make the call."

"well, here i am. your dad called for me."

"i know. i gave him your number."

"oh. so you did summon me."

"i didn't think you'd come."

"well, maybe next time i won't."

"i was.. heartbroken, diana. "

"and you think i wasn't?"

"you have no idea how much you hurt me."

"you don't know what you're saying, abs."

"you never did care how i feel."

"what was i supposed to do, huh?"

"i.. don't know."

"you think i like what happened? is that what you think?"

"do you?"

"what?"

"you never even said sorry."

"do i need to?"

"well what do you think?"

"grow up. we both knew this was gonna happen."

"i'm sure one of us did."

"what the hell does that mean?"

"nothing."

"i did, care about you.. y'know. it's just.."

"please don't rob me of my hate.. it's all i have."

"what do you want, abs? do you need closure? is that what you want?"

"..do i?" i lock eyes with her and repeat softly, "..do i?"

"well what do you want then?"

"what i want.. you can never give."

"..."

"i.. i love you.. you know that, right?"

"abs.. it's.."

"i know.. we shouldn't.. talk about it."

"it's not important anymore, is it?"

"yeah.. it's not.. it's not important. never was."

"i didn't say that."

"i..", i paused, sighing.

"what is it?"

"there's this place we used to go to."

"..."

"i still visit there sometimes. i'd sit alone and think about us."

"..."

"i used to burn whenever you'd kiss me. you'd smile afterwards and ask me if i'm alright."

"i used to do that huh."

"i never stopped loving you."

"abs.."

"all my life.. i never felt that with anyone else."

"i.. we.. did a lot of things together."

"yeah.."

"we.. had fun.. right?"

"right.. right." i breathe heavily.

"so.."

"i guess this is it, huh."

"this was always it, abs."

"what's gonna happen now?"

"it's all but shadows of the past."

"maybe for you."

"we can't.. change the past, abs."

"neither can we see the future."

"you should.. forget about me."

"how can i forget? i've been tainted. i'll cry forever."

"you'll find someone. you always do."

"i found you."

"you deserve better, abs."

"i never wanted more."

"please, don't make it harder than it already is."

"i know."

"look.. i should go."

"listen.. i.. if i don't.. talk to you.. keep on.. keep glowin'.."

"take care of yourself, abs."

"diana.."

"abs, please.."

"don't mind me.. i'm already gone."

"look.. i'm sorry, abs. i.."

"don't.."

she closes her eyes, nods, and walks away.

"please, come back.." i whisper to myself.

she keeps walking.

they say some things are better left unsaid. i wish that were true.

i wish any of this was true.

"video meliora poboque deteriora sequor." - i see and approve of better things, but i follow the inferior things.