permanent fugue

i've had this memento condition for over a year now. this fugue, which i don't know if it's temporary, or permanent, is increasingly becoming a burden for me. and for the people i live and deal with.

it's more like repression for me, since i had to deal with a painful experience the past few years. it seems like i've unconsciously removed the grim events i struggled to go through from my active memory.

it seemed like a good thing, at first. because i have discarded most recollections of that certain event. and all i had to do was live my life as it is, without having to worry or think about what used to be.

as time went by, my memory condition worsened. hardly would i be able to recall any incident that happened the previous day, specially if it was either mundane or insignificant. and i also developed an autogenetic discharge of harsh memories from the previous day. the process may also be hastened through alcoholic intake, to the point of removing the memories within a few hours.

i think about it sometimes, and i tell myself, is my heart, or my mind...lying to me? because deep inside, i want it to? is that why it's hiding my distressing memories from me? i know somehow, they're still in my mind, it's just hiding someplace where i can't view them unless i really try hard to find a way to get them back.

it's not all positive though, because most of them, they come to haunt me in my dreams. i can recall them, in the form of nightmares, although it's a tad different from the real thing, sometimes i can make out the whole point in it.

i ask myself sometimes, if i'd want my memory to be whole again. part of me wants to have them back, but then.. to bring up my good memories, i'd have to bring back the bad memories too.

i guess i'll have to save that thought for next time, when i'm ready for the truth. someday, but not today.

you know what they say, ignorance... is bliss.

fulla hate

i've heard lots of things about this guy who works in the same company as i am. he was an asshole. really. just one look at his face and you can tell, he really is..one. i never did pay attention to what they were telling me about that idiot but then i got to see him a lot, and i noticed that there really was something wrong with him.

then one time i had an issue with him. i was in the pantry drinking coffee and watching basketball. this fool, the asshole, he was using the spare computer available to browse the internet or check his friendster or something. i don't give a shit. now i find basketball boring, and i don't really want to watch basketball games, so i stood up and went to the set to change the channel.

the sonofagun then told me... "dude, i'm watching..". i was like.. "what the fu**?!". so i told the guy, "bro, yer browsing the internet, are you watching too?". dimwit says, "yes, i am."...wtf? ngrngrnarrrr!!!!

now don't get me wrong..i mean, this is so effhing aggravating, y'know.

now i'm a pretty decent feller, so i just murmured to myself, and switched it back the basketball game, and looked at him again. he wasn't watching, he's browsing. the television in the pantry was free for anyone to use, and because there were only two of us there, since he was using the computer, i assumed that i can use the television, for my amusement. i just don't get it. even the simple things, can tell you so much about a person's decency, and overall attitude. and education.

oh how i wish i've lost my decency and went all apeshit on his ass for his selfish attitude. i'd be glad to rid the world of kooks like him. i now understand what all the fuss is, about him. somehow, i almost felt sorry for him. he's on a very short leash. he's taking the quickest route to hell.

dammit. i wonder why, with that serious attitude problem, that imbecile is still alive. no matter how i try, i can't seem to imagine what his good side is. i can't see anything good coming out of that asshole. that face...it's... goddamn, a fine example of what an asshole really looks like.

well, sometimes he talks to himself, i've seen him do that, a coupla times already. so he must be retarded or something.

sigh. people. we all have our things. jesus. what on earth is wrong with these people? i mean... all this aggravation is too much fer me. whew.

cyber guy

retrieved this chat session from my corpmail. sent by my officemate. this little conversation kicked my ass off the chair, laughing.

apparently, some guy has been picking on women looking for fun in one of the many random chatrooms on the net. the guy is insane, but he's cool.

Bloodninja : wanna cyber?
MommyMelissa: sure, you into vegetables?
Bloodninja : what like gardening and shit?
MommyMelissa: yeah, something like that.
Bloodninja : nuthin turns me on more, check this out
Bloodninja : you bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
MommyMelissa: is that it?
Bloodninja : you water your tomato patch.
Bloodninja : are you ready for my fresh produce?
MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables...can
you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
Bloodninja : i touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach...sexily.
Bloodninja : i ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
MommyMelissa: grain doesn't really turn me on...i was thinking more along the
lines of carrots and zucchinis.
Bloodninja : my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
Bloodninja : damn baby you're right, this shit is HOT.
MommyMelissa: ...
Bloodninja : my turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. my insides turn
to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
MommyMelissa: What the fuck is this madlibs? i'm outta here.
Bloodninja : yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over
your olives, and up in your eyes. now you can't see shit.
MommyMelissa: whatever.

hahahaha. damn. toldja this guy is a whacko.