rainbow's end

i wonder if i can someday find my peace of mind.

i've always dreamed that one day, i can finally settle down in peace.

that one day, everything will be good, and that i'd live a carefree life for the rest of my days.

and that i have been forgiven.

and that i am so much happy with just about everything.

and that i am enveloped with love.

and that i cannot be touched by all the evil festering the place.

and my loved ones are safe, and as blessed as could be.

and i'd have all the respect from all the people i've known.

all these, in a place where i can dream of blue skies and distant stars.

a place at the end of the rainbow.

someday, when all is right and good and true, my search will end.

i will see, my rainbow's end.

cafe of broken dreams

way back when i was a child, i wanted to grow up immediately, real bad.

so i did.

i grew up so fast, i never realized i had it coming.

i went through the door that opened up to the real world, there, i realized, there never was, a neverland.

at first, i only got to see a small glint of reality. the light was in my eyes, it was too much for my innocent vision.

the horror of reality suddenly flashed before me, as i managed to open my eyes wide.

i saw everything all at once. the real world was not as beautiful as i'd imagined it would be.

and that it was full of deceit, and hate, and that i had no power over anything, and that i was a puppet on strings, and over the horizon, all i see are oceans of people struggling to get to the shore.

only to discover that there is no promised land.

there is no garden of eden.

there never was.

reality actually was, a mixed bag. i learned different things. good and bad. i learned how to hate. and lie. and manipulate others. i learned about false friendships, backstabbing, blackmail, greed, corruption, and crime. in learning all of these, i had subjected myself to the world and its codes. i despised what i had become.

i acquired an abysmal perspective in life.

and no matter how hard i try to buy my way back in to the gates of righteousness, i can't get in.

because life's revisions don't go retro.

and that i've been permanently labeled "impure".

the transgressions i've made, scarred me forever.

if i'd only had my way, i wouldn't have chosen to step outside the pearly gates.

my dream, of growing up one day, turned out to be my life-long nightmare.

blessed are the children.

mask of eternity

when you think back and focus on something real hard, you'll get somewhere.

i tried reflecting back on my childhood once more. y' know, trying to resurface some of those deep, buried memories. i was actually looking for something in particular, so i set a specific timeframe to look for in my unretentive memory. i was hoping that i'd come up with good ones.

i never did.

but i did come across something worthwhile. something worth the time it took for me to gaze at the clouds, and fall into a semiconscious state of stupor for like, ten minutes, maybe.

life's mysteries.

you see, when you get older, or mature, you begin to think less of unnecessary thoughts. your creativity is dulled, and you lose your imagination. well, half of it.

thing is, we tend to think less about mysteries, and fantasies, and other things we used to imagine or even dream about, when we were still young.

"growing older, makes it more difficult for us to think about such things..", that's what my brother told me years ago.

we become institutionalized, and we amass this gloom that hinders all thoughts, except for those intertwined with the real world.

so i came up with this vague memory of me, when i was still too young to deal with real-world issues, looking at the clouds, like what i am doing in this present day, thinking about the mysteries of the universe, or uh, multiverse.

will my lifespan reach the point where we humans get to discover the secrets of the universe?

will this race ever get to unveil everything?

will we ever discover everything else that needs be?

time is gold, they say.

yes, time, is precious.

soon, age will be catching up with us. it's inevitable.

i answered these questions long time ago, the moment i abandoned my fantasies.

i grew up.

never found time to go back.

i guess i'll never uncover the mysteries i was trying to discover when i was still young.

i guess i'll never unveil the secrets beneath the ever enclouding mask of eternity.

old habits die hard / evil eyes

i have this habit of glancing at every person that comes within my line of sight. i also have this uncanny ability to detect when someone is staring at me. call me weird but hey, i find it unnatural myself.

while some may find it oddly sensual, in a foreboding kind of way, some find it ominously disturbing, and even annoying.

it's gotten me into many problems, way back years ago. apparently people find it vexing when a person looks at them the wrong way. but it's my eyes, it's been that way forever.

the oddballs find it strangely interesting though. i know, i've received tons of feedbacks on my eyes.

that's why i try to keep my eyes where i'm supposed to go, and i try to focus on what i am doing, in order to avoid any comments or compliments, for that matter.

everything has it's advantages and disadvantages, you see. now i can use my eyes to promote better communication and express myself properly when i'm talking to somebody, that's fer sure. the eyes, say everything. some people read eyes, in order to get a better perspective on what another person is trying to say. that's what i do.

only bad thing is shallow people react negatively to what they envy, or what they can see as a threat, or maybe because they just have petty issues within themselves. i don't know. i don't care. that's their problem.

so now i'm stuck with this half-dilemma and half-handiness.

and i'm looking at it in a positive way. this is me.

i am real.

it's just a habit.

you know what they say..old habits..they die hard..

blogspot

been reading a coupla blogs around the site.

ran into different kinds. so i decided to classify 'em all into specific genres.

here's what i came up with.

songbooks - these are blogs with mostly song lyrics on 'em. they express everything they feel through the songs they listen to and they relate their experiences through songs. every word they spit can be pulled out from a song.

one-liners/punchlines - these could be either incohesive phrases some think may mean something, or these could be a collection of powerful lines coming from movies or books, or they could come from the writer's noodle, or wherever it may have come from.

one-hit wonders - these blogs have been around for many weeks or months yet only one or two articles are in 'em. these does not include new blogs though.

true stories - these are depositories for life experiences that bloggers have hoarded through the course of their adventures, with a little twist and exaggeration here and there.

hate anthologies - these are full of hate messages and people trying to express their angst. they feel as if they know things, but in truth, they know just as much as the next guy. you ain't anything special, son. i know i ain't.

scrap books - these are blogs with totally incoherent messages, no matter how hard you try to understand it, it just doesn't make no sense at all. might as well scrap 'em.

this one's a scrapbook. now which one do ya got?

element almighty

been thinking about life, recently. dunno why though.

watched an episode about astronomy. it tells of stars an planets an solar systems an galaxies an universe an multiverse an sh**.

got enlightened, anyhow.

so now i'm perplexed, trying to get a bird's eye view of us mortals, and our mythos and dogmas.

does everything we do, really matter?
what if religion failed, like what is happening now to some?
what if you discover that there really is no soul? and that when we die, we disappear forever into the void, becoming only energies of what was once beautiful and amazing and great?
what if what used to be a great idea diminished and is now obsolete?
what if your set of beliefs and ideals turned on you?
what is really out there for us to discover?

i ask myself these questions most of the time. although it's increasingly hard nowadays, unlike when i was still young.

it happens a lot to people. it's the age. it's getting to us.

kids have a lot more imagination than we do. smart kids, that is.
i used to be smart and all, way back when i was a kid.

now i'm a disgruntled and unretentive gentleman trying to get a glint of what was once great and happy and carefree.

anyway, i figured, we have to believe in something. and it does not matter whether it is true or not. as long as it's beautiful, and righteous, and happy. because, as i've learned, these things are worth believing in.

so if you believe that there is a god, keep believing.
it's not that there's no harm in believing, but because it's worth believing something.

if you don't, at least believe in love, friendship, peace, and in everything righteous.

faith, is stronger than all the other forces combined.

the element almighty.

shillelagh

learned a new lesson over the past weekend.

i must've been watchin' too many movies, i guess.

i discovered that character, is a very important aspect in life. to know a person's character, could be worth a whole lot more than we think it is.

lemme give y'all an example.

one movie, tells us of a person who had his fine ride who had it thrashed around, just to be able to define this new guy. yeah, fine, costs an' all.

turns out, this new guy became his very best friend, and most trusted one, for sure. he put all of his faith into this newbie, who stayed with him, till he died.

it's a little hard to describe my point using that movie but yeah, i guess you just hafta read between the lines. y'know, try to look at the bigger picture.

the thing is, knowing a person is invaluable. it's like falling in love. knowing a person's character, makes you fall in love with that person. and everything else takes place. marriage and all. expensive restaurants. big wedding bashes. next thing you know, you're buying the best of both worlds for that person because of love. and you realize, you don't need materia no more. you just need to take hold of the person's soul.

i think i'm getting too far out now.

lemme go grab a beer. helps me calm my nerves. i'm getting too soppy.

hand of midas

was contacted by an anonymous male indonesian through another friendship site, namely, "friendster". this guy sent me a message, saying that he was to visit the country and stay here for a month to setup business and he said he'd like to meet me to talk about business, and that hopefully, i could be his friend and partner.

his friend. partner.

being the hardass- all meat - no sh** - straight guy that i am, initially reacted negatively. i mean, c'mon, i'm being realistic here, an anonymous male hoping to be friends with another male. wtf? it doesn't sound right.

anyway, being a nice person an all, i decided, there's really nothing to lose, and that what if he's actually emphasizing on the word "business"?

so i decided to reply to his message. gave him my email, and a phone number to call, once he gets here. that i did.

then he arrived. took a few days before he sent me a text message. he was inviting me for a meeting, but i was bedridden at that time due to a fever. didn't get well until a week later.

and then i did get restored to healthy status. he sent me a message again for another meeting. i wasn't able to attend because i was trying to cope with work, because i'm a very busy fellow, and i couldn't afford to spend time to become somebody's friend. specially since the idea of queerdom kept looming in my mind.

a week before his departure, i did find time for him.

i was introduced to his business associates. he was, serious. and yes, i was recruited.

i did get to know him better, eventhough i had to put up with his english, the main words he used in creating sentences were admirable.

told me his life story. he came from a poor family and that he used to sell any kind of item that he can, to support his schooling, and to help his family. then he was recruited by this indonesian, now he's travelling all over the world, investing, recruiting, you know, the works. 7 months and he's all over the place now.

but the thing is, his eyes show hope. and you can tell clearly, that the guy is someone with a goal in life. he was not the usual people i know, kids and jaded geriatrics who knows only pride and anger.

he told me that he is helping others, because in helping others, he is also helping himself. contradictory to the fact that most people step on other's toes to get to the top.

surprising, because he's still 18, turning 19 this year. at that age, i was still knee-deep in my parent's advocacy.

now that's what you call industrious.
a real sweetheart.

somehow i kinda find his story inspiring.

yes, dreaming can really make a man fly..

this one's for you, son. wherever you go, i wish you success, and a blessed life.

i wish i can be as aspiring as you are.