when the heart fails

they say time heals all wounds.

but how does one heal, if he can't feel time?

i make great effort just to keep my memory intact. knowing for a fact that if i do manage to keep them with me, i'd be at least one memory closer to being whole again. alas, being a person riddled full of unfavorable memories, i battle it out within myself trying to decide whether or not it would be best if i keep those memories. it bothers me, because if i decide not to keep them, would i be able to discard all of them, in a single flawless execution? because if it won't go as planned, i'd be left with a disorganized cluster of events in my mind that will only make more mess of an already messed up mass.

funny how the stuff i wish to scrap latch themselves on to me like hooks, that i can easily forget everything else with little effort as opposed to those i'd rather not remember. life has obscure ways of justifying the irony of a person's difficulties.

as of now, the memories still hurt. and i mean, hurt. but would it be worth throwing these away to fuel my fugue in an attempt to seek immediate salvation knowing that i will be looking back one day and asking myself the same questions i have been trying to answer since the lethe affected me?

i let the stay a bit longer, until i finally find that my soul can no longer bear such burden, and that it is in my best interest and for those involved that i forget. but as long as they're still there, all i can do is let them be. take comfort in the fact that i am not the only individual who is hurting. here's a quote i was given by someone who is dear to me. it's overrated, but it exudes comfort, and it is, in a way, a light at the end of the tunnel.

"pain itself is pleasure. one has to find the mysterious bliss in every hurting. pain is not weakness, nor is is cowardice. pain is strength. pain empowers. with every touch of it, one rebuilds, one regains. what does not kill me, makes me stronger."

holy sh**.

top of the world

i found this article in my journal. must be when i was somewhere south.

25 years, and i'm still breathing. thank heavens for that. i'm already a silver speck in this planet. i still wonder about my fate. where would i be, years from now? am i destined to be great? am i gonna make it out lucky? every man at some point in his life asks these questions to himself. although some make it out big, most others, run out of luck. that's the way it is, in this world. one man rises, another falls. the law of balance.

i'm at the top of a mountain, writing this. my trusty logbook. does wonders for me. this is wonderful, see, i get to blog while i'm working. now i can see why mountaineering groups are so crazy about scaling mountains. i can feel the breeze run through my skin. the air contains thrice as much oxygen than in the city. i can run a mile and catch my breath under a minute with o2 like this. in a place such as this, your mind goes haywire. all your emotions, your memories, they come to you all at once and you just can't stop thinking. one of these days, i'll start writing the story of my life. while i can still remember some of it. i did that once, but i lost that notebook. i can still remember my emotional state when i wrote that. back then, i had a different perspective. seemed like ages ago. i can imagine i had so much hate. i was an angry man. i was such a troubled soul. looking back, i wonder why i had to build up so much resentment. what a waste of emotion. at least i can convince myself i'm a much better person now. or maybe, just today.

absimilliard does culinary

after disappearing from the radar for several months, i finally made it back to the real world. as others may know during my absence, i have developed a new skill. culinary arts. cooking. cheffing. effhin.

i, like millions of other people, used to believe that there is hardly any sense in cooking. i always thought of it as a very simple matter, and that it shouldn't be any sophistication to it. it wasn't worth the fuss. i thought it was a complete waste of time and effort.

couldn't believe how wrong i was until it slapped me right in the nose.

now, being reborn with a newfound appreciation for good food and fine dining, i've come back from the great nation of uhh.. culination.. to take on this country's cooking, one recipe at a time, and to further enhance my rapidly developing palette.

and uh, maybe post some recipes and how NOT to do it.