to hell and back

[absimilliard's adventures part seven]

after realizing that hell is not the torture chamber that we think it is, (see "helluva place"), me and my buddy mars (the genius who looks and thinks exactly like me), search the whole place for lucifer to ask him why hell is like one big party colliseum and why cerberus looks like an enormous three headed rottweiler, not like a mosquito.

we chanced upon this creature who looks like one big puddle of crap.

"hey, ain'tcha one big blob of dung! who're you supposed to be?", says mars.

"i'm beelzebub, prince of gluttony." says blob."

oh. we're looking for lucifer, do you, by any chance, know where he is?", says me.

"i'm not sure if he's here, actually. maybe you can ask my friend astaroth over there." he says, pointing to a big purple fella with a party hat on, sitting lazy in like, the biggest couch i've ever seen, with his feet resting on an adjacent table.

"thanks." i said, leaving the glutton and walking over the big purple sonofagun.

"hey, you look like somebody from a console game i'm playing. anyway, can i ask you a question?"

"go right ahead." he said, standing up and cracking his knuckles.

i looked like an ant in font of him. he must be at least eight feet tall. and purple.

"uh, we're looking for lucifer, you know where we can find him?"

"he's over there, see that big black door? he should be busy now convincing politicians to sell their souls, but you can try talking to him." astaroth says.

"gee, thanks."

we walked over to the big black door the purple guy pointed us to. on the door it says, office hours, 8am to 3pm, central time. beneath it is a sign that says "go to hell".

we let ourselves in.

"hey, you're not lucifer, you're bill gates!" says mars.

"huh?! who're you?", lucifer says, surprised.

"i'm absimilliard, and this is my associate, mars. are you bill gates?"

"no, i'm lucifer. i just go by that name some of the time. so, what brings you here? are you here to enlist as well? i could sure use you guys around here. it's becoming crazy lately, too many souls coming in, so much to keep track of, so little time. i need more help keeping these people drunk."

"so little time? i thought you had an eternity to spend?"

"yeah, but doesn't everybody? so.. can i get you children something? booze perhaps?"

"no, thank you. we're just here to get some questions answered."

"okay. for a moment there i thought you wanted to join the party. so, what do you kids have in mind?"

"we were just wondering if that's a cerberus you got there guarding the gates, and why is hell one big party, unlike what's written in the holy book. i thought this place was a torture chamber. what the hell is so hellish about this place anyway?"

"kids. hahaha. yes, that's a hellhound, his name is cerberus. and the reason why they keep saying hell is a place of torment is because we're in the middle of war here, we get our soldiers and populace from the inhabitants of earth. they'll describe hell as one ugly place to get more converts to join their cause. think of it as one big corporate conglomerate advertising strategy lifted for potential clients to get more companies to merge with them. it's ingenius, actually. their marketing angels are too much for my sales demons."

"oh. that makes sense. i guess you've answered our questions then."

"yeah, we need to leave. we still have an appointment with god." says mars.

"sure. come visit us sometime then. i'll have a huge party waiting for you both when you come back. here's my business card. in case you need help with just about anything. y'know, pesky neighbors, corporate backstabbers, crazy civilians, anything."

"well.. we'll sure give that a thought, cap'n."

helluva place

[absimilliard's adventures part six]

i found the gateway to heaven and hell. and it's been here all along.

as much as i want to, i cannot impart it's location to others, for those who read might embark on their own calamitous journey. which could be a bad idea.

i decided to venture to hell, as it has held so much intrigue for most people. i figured that this is because everybody goes to hell.

everyone's a sinner, y'know. ain't nobody righteous.

okay, so i step inside the portal and within seconds, i find that i am no longer walking on soil, but molten magma. funny how i can't feel a thing, and it doesn't seem to burn me.

i can see the unsteady air generating a dizzying vertigo effect because of the intense heat. there are geysers everywhere, releasing vaporous clouds of scalding steam every two minutes.

"this isn't hell. this is like, the insides of a volcano. but hell, where the hell is hell?" i wonder to myself.

"no. this is just hell's lawn. it's a few more miles away from here. we just hafta follow this dirt path." a voice behind me says.

"what the hell?!" i exclaimed, startled, as i turned behind me and see mars (the genius who looks and thinks exactly like me) catching up and pointing towards the ashen road.

"what's got you here?" i asked, happy that i have somebody to go along for the ride. hell is an evil place, you see, i may need some help.

"well, i figured, it's summertime and the beach is gettin' kinda old. thought i might try somethin' new, y'know." says mars.

"cool. let's walk this ashen highway then." says me.

two hours later, we arrive at the gates of hell.

"hot damn! must be why they call this hell. i've had one hell of a time walking the neverending ashen road, jeez!" says mars.

"yeah dude, the walk alone is hell enough!", says me.

the fifty foot tall black gate opens for us soon as we got nearer. reminded me of mordor, somehow. funny how i can't seem to see anybody opening it for us.

"must be hydraulics, man. or electronics. these guys are state of the art." says mars.

we walk inside and we are greeted by a ginormous three-headed dog bound by twelve inch thick chains. it's breath smells like hell.

"that's one hell of a huge rottweiler, bro, damn!", says mars.

"i think that's cerberus.", says me.

"no, that's not cerberus. cerberus looks like a mosquito.", says mars.

"yeah, whatever. let's keep walking.

"it took us another two hours to get to hell itself.

"jeez. i'm beginning to NOT like this. the walk is hell."

"yeah, this place is hell."

we go inside and see all sorts of people. and they're all partying and drinking and dancing. odd. i thought hell would be a little different. so i ask around and found out that hell is one big party that doesn't end.

hell. booze eternal. damned to drink the damned drink for all eternity.

"this isn't hell, absimilliard, this is heaven!", says mars.

"to hell with this. let's go look for lucifer and get this straightened out. " says me.

"he's gotta be here somewhere.", says mars.

the walk, was one hell of an experience. that's why it's called hell. the term "hell" is pertaining to the long and ardous walk from the portal which sends you in a state of psychological frenzy wondering what kind of place hell might be.

great furnace

there's fire everywhere.

i get off the office building after pulling an all-nighter and already i can feel the heat of the sun searing through my skin.

every step i take is taxing, as i endure post-work stress and the infernal heat brushing against me, with each passing wind.

within minutes i feel my senses dull, my throat run dry, and my eyes grow weary and dim. the sweat accumulating on my back and my face is fast becoming an inconvenience. goddamn heat wave.

it's hot as hell.

thoughts like global warming and the depletion of the ozone layer come to mind, as i desperately struggle to stay awake and on my toes. i do my best to convince myself that this is all part of nature's way of maintaining the balance of the ecosystem. something like that.

how i wished there'd be rain. sigh.

why can't it rain all the time?

i get home and take a bath immediately before i can count to twenty.

i feel refreshed for at least ten minutes. then i begin to smell the stale scent of the scorching air again.

i couldn't sleep. i open my fridge and grab a bottle i've been keeping cold overnight in the freezer.

i begin to write about how hot it's become.

hell of a place. the whole world is on fire.

love your work

because of my undying loyalty and dedication to my work, i've decided that they deserve %100 from me. it's the least i can do, for the company who pays my bills.

monday - 12%
tuesday - 23%
wednesday - 40%
thursday - 20%
friday - 5%

and because it's unavoidable in an office to have pesky co-workers, i'm putting up customized signs all over my cubicle. here are a few i've thought of, so far.

I'M BUSY NOW (can I ignore you some other time?)

I LOVE DEADLINES (i especially like the sound they make as they go whooshing by)

I PRETEND TO WORK (they pretend to pay me)

HARD WORK NEVER KILLED ANYONE (but why chance it?)

TELL ME WHAT YOU NEED (and I'll tell you how to get along without it)

because every other coleague cubicle looks the same, i want mine to be unique. why do they keep putting up flags that say POLICY and rocks that say TEAMWORK on them? silly people. teamwork does not look like a rock. it looks like a butterfly. hmm. odd people, these office workers are.

world of darkness

they don't teach fairy tales to kids anymore, these days.

they were, at one time, taught to children to give them hope. to make them yearn for something better, and good, and ideal, and wonderful.

it was taught, to help children realize that it is good to dream, and that it is wise to have ambition.

that life can have a happy ending, no matter how impossible it may seem, if they do something to about it.

my parents used to read fairy tales to me. they even bought me a fairy tale encyclopedia.

i've lived my life yearning to have a fairy tale life and a happy ending. i know some people don't believe in fairy tales, but i do. i am aware that it is only an irony of the real world, but i never did mind.

i believe them because it is good to believe in something. specially because these things are worth believing in.

i will teach fairy tales to my descendants, in hopes of shedding some light in their life. in a world as dark as the one we live in, a little matchlight that fairy tales can create can certainly make a difference.

we need to realize that there is still some good left in this world.

stuff to keep you motivated

i've assembled a collection of letdowns for our hardworking coleagues to reflect on, and it is simply perfect for the person who has everything, but still isn't happy about it!
on wishes.when you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the earth which will destroy all life. then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. unless it's death by meteor.
on procrastination.hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now.
on compromise.let's agree to respect each other's views, no matter how wrong yours might be.
on effort.hard work never killed anybody - but it is illegal in some places.
on motivation.if a pretty poster and a cute saying are all it takes to motivate you, you probably have a very easy job. the kind robots wil be doing soon.
on worth.just because you're necessary doesn't mean you're important.
on teamwork.a few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction.
on consulting.if you're not a part of the solution, there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem.
on cluelessness.there are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.
on ambition.the journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly.
on achievement.you can do anything you set your mind to when you have vision, determination, and an endless supply of expendable labor.
on idiocy.never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.