shadows of solitude

(avatar of loneliness part two)

i wake up in the middle of a room. the room is.. familiar. i've stayed in this room many times before. there's a stack of documents on the floor. i see the laptop on the desk across my bed. scattered on the small table beside me are some styrofoam cups. i've been drinking too much coffee again.

i try to feel for any movement on the bed. i open my eyes and glance to my left. i see a woman lying beside me. i rub my eyes and she disappears. there's nobody there. i must be alone. i bury my face on the pillow. "get a grip, abs. go back to sleep.."

i stay still and try to think back.

i must've dozed off doing my reports last night. i try to pretend i can't remember the destitute night i just had. i lift my head and i am struck by a headache. i try to move but i feel my body ache in places i never knew could hurt.

i force myself to get up. i pick my clothes up from the floor and grab the towel on the chair.

"where am i going?"

i turn around and stare at the bed for a few seconds. she used to just lie there while i take a bath.

i turn the heater up and open the shower. i let the water run over my head and through my body. i lean my shoulder against the wall and think hard.

another "business trip".

i finish up and search my bag for fresh clothes.

i move my eyes around the room and across the bed. the place is desolate, and the gloomy fixtures just add to the dreariness of the place.

i feel the tattoos on my sides itch so bad i scratch it. it's bleeding again.

i stare at the mirror for what seemed like hours. i close my eyes and take a deep breath. i can still smell her scent. i'm imagining again. "good that i remember."

i fix my things and put them all in my bag. time to check out. i still have an appointment with that division chief lady.

i open the door and scan the room for the last time.

her image still lingers in this room. her memories still haunt me.

i see the bed, and she's there, sleeping peacefully. i look at the table, she's drinking coffee and reading the paper. i glance at the bathroom and she's walking out, rubbing her hair with a towel. i turn to the table and she's sitting in front of the mirror putting her earrings on. she turns around, sees me and smiles.

i shut the lights and she fades, leaving only the sunlight radiating from the window to the chair where she used to sit.

"goodbye, babe.."

there is a nameless twilight accompanying me. an indescribable cold surrounding my being. i guess my heart fails more than i thought it should. yet i have to keep these things to myself. i am required not to display any hint of vulnerability.

deep down, it's killing me. i still have strong feelings for her. i loved her, no doubt. and every time i think of a way to win her back, i fail. every angle i see has me losing her. i am living a stalemate. i try to convince myself i'll be better off this way. that i should call this what this really is.

an intricate shell.

built upon the image of a lonely individual pretending to find comfort in his seemingly chimerical memories.

aftermath of a failed relationship.

"what's bothering you, abs? everytime i talk to you, you're someplace else."

"i'm.. i'm alright."

long have i been harboring strong desires to be with somebody. long have my dreams of settling down been taken from me. long have my hopes been exiled. long have my frustrations been a strain. too long have i been wanting.

with each passing day, my heart crumbles. as the pressure from work and the burden of solitude tries to eat its way inside me, i wilt. no matter how hard i try, i can only dwell on bitter memories of lost relationships. ever shall i be caught within this blight.

"there will be no dawn.. for the wicked."

absimilliard and the lolcats

(absimilliard's adventures part thirteen)

on our way to the bazaar we ran into three women ROFL.

"somebody's havin' fun, abs. lookit."

"wanna check 'em out? let's check 'em out."

"right on, padre."

"mornin' ladies. mind lettin' us in on your LOL today?"

"LOL. we're just havin' us some LYAO talks about our crazy experiences over the weekend." says lolcat one.

"yup. it's just one of those things, y'know. LOL." says lolcat two.

"oh. right.. right."

"LOL. so.. you boys lost or somethin'?" says lolcat three.

"well.. i don't know. i got some action here, if you'd care. takes a drink or two to get the engine runnin' though. it's a lil' rusty."

"LOL. that's nice. but we don't really go out with strangers. we're not of that sort." says lolcat two.

"aww, c'mon. it'll be fun. absimilliard here can be really smart sometimes. besides, we're with the youth achrised group. we're like.. the last good guys in like.. the whole planet."

"LOL. is that right?" says lolcat one.

"damn straight!"

"LOL. alright. sure. one drink wouldn't hurt, i guess." says lolcat three.

"i know a great place."

"okay, bad boy. let's LOL." says lolcat one.

"youtha chrised?!"

"shh.. they'll hear ya."

after several buckets of LOLdrink.

"LHAO. that's hilarious, abs!" says lolcat three.

"i'm not kidding! it was a total mess, it was sick!"

"LHAO. shoulda met you boys a long time ago." says lolcat one.

"i'm tellin' ya, we should do this more often."

"yeah. that'd be sweet. i could LMAO with you guys for hours." says lolcat two.

"anytime."

"LOL. ahem. so.. uhh.. my parents are away for the weekend." says lolcat three.

"so..."

"so.. we were wondering if you boys would like to come with us an' ROFL at our place." says lolcat two, winking at lolcat one.

"LOL. yeah c'mon, it'll be great. i'll show you some real cool LYAO stuff." says lolcat one.

"uhh.. dunno, lady.. whaddayathink abs?"

"heck, sure, let's ROFL their brains out."

"great. LOL." says lolcat two.

we drank another couple dozen bottles of whatever they had.

"ROFL. you don't say!" says lolcat one.

"i'm tellin' ya, had i not moved an inch i woulda been skewered. i'da been playing the harp an' singin' echelon oh echelon already!"

"LHAO. you must feel really lucky." says lolcat one.

"not lucky.. blessed!"

"LOL. oh milliard, you're adorable!" says lolcat three.

"uhh.."

"LOL. c'mon, let's go to my room. i've somethin' to show ya." says lolcat three.

"err.. you gonna be okay, ares?"

"where'r you goin'?"

"uhh.. we're just gonna grab somethin' from the other room.."

"oh leave him, abs. he'll be alright. LOL." says lolcat three.

"LOL. don't worry. we'll take good care of him." says lolcat one and two in unison.

we went to the next room.

"wow. this room is so.. clean.. and pink too!"

she pushes me hard i fell flat on the bed.

"whoah. waitaminute.. whattayoudoin'?"

"LOL. shut up." says lolcat three.

"you.. what the.. you want me!"

"LOL. finally gettin' the picture, aren't we?" says lolcat three.

"think you can turn off some of the lights? it's too.. err.. luminiscent here."

"LOL. youse a bad boy!" says lolcat three

"yeah? whatta you gonna do about it?"

we ROFL for hours. took off very early in the morning.

"so.. had fun last night, abs?"

"well.. i don't know, really. you?"

"dunno.. i was pretty much out of it."

"you dog, you! what'd the cats do to ya? they leggo the beast?"

"that they did! you?"

"i done got myself killed last night!"

"yahtzee! hahaha! wanna go at it again?"

"LOL." says me.