sim husband

"i can't take out the garbage right now woman, my dwarf is poisoned!!"

and it goes on and on..

computer gamers may not be the hunkiest slabs of beefcake on the block, but that doesn't mean that some women can't be tricked into loving us. take my girlfriend - please!

some of you may be surprised to know that i am, in fact, taken. blame the blog hosts, or my media handlers. like the beatles before me, who, at the height of their popularity, were told to keep their relationships quiet lest the lovesick teeny boppers learn the truth and stop buying records, i must maintain an aura of "availability" so that female readers will renew their time of thin blood subscriptions in hopes of someday possibly scoring with me.

the sad truth though, ladies, is that i am, taken. i know, i know it's a heartbreaker. i'm sorry. guys like me don't come around that often, it's true. that pasty, almost radioactive, skin tone, that simultaneously frail and underweight physique, that roguish but vaguely depressing lack of ambition. mom always told you i was out there somewhere, didn't she? and now you find out i'm no longer available. that's gotta hurt.

actually, the real reason why my girlfriend hasn't appeared very often on this blog (other than the restraining order, i mean) is that, well, frankly, she's not a gamer. computer games are to her what the rest of life is to us: not important.

you may ask: how is this even possible? is she alien? i'm no scientist. i have a bachelor's degree in pinball, but i believe that the gamer gene must be programmed into our DNA. you either have it or you don't. i've tried over the years to get the girlfriend interested in this rewarding pastime of ours, but to no avail.

here is a brief chronological history of my attempts and the results so far:

years ago..

me: look at this game, myst. it's incredible. it comes on a cd-rom. it looks like a painting!
her: did you remember to pay the rent today?

couple years ago..

me: c'mere quick! you have got to see half-life. it's like a great scary movie. look! look at that freakin' head crab!
her: did you remember to pay the rent?

a year ago..

me: now here's the game for you. it's called the sims. even non gamers love it. it's like a living dollhouse. look - that guy is going to the bathroom on the floor.
her: you forgot to pay the rent again, didn't you?

let me make one thing perfectly clear: i am not bitter. sure, at times i've wished that she were the kind of woman who realized that leveling up liberty lad is more important than tackling the two weeks' worth of dishes i've let pile up in the sink. and yeah, i've fantasized about being one of those lucky guys who marries a female gamer and has hot friday night sessions of naked counterstrike on the home LAN when everybody's asleep.

but the honest truth is that i don't need another gamer in the house. having someone around who pays attention to the real world does have its advantages. meals, for example. shelter. actual, non NPC, real life friends. the last time we threw a party at our house, my girlfriend had to completely redo the invitation list, because when i did it, the top three names were Minsc, Cate Archer, and Man-Bot.

and then there's the parenting issue. i've already, regrettably, turned my 4 year old son into a bona fide dork who calls me in the middle of the day desperately trying to process in his head whether Count Dooku was Darth Sidious' new sith apprentice or not.

that's my influence. also from me: gollum imitations, surefire procrastination tricks, and a true geek's appreciation of widescreen dvd's. from the ladies we have, among other things: language, intelligence, social skills, cultural awareness, and morals. it's kind of a yin/yang thing we have going on in our house.

the point of all this is simply to say to the missus: thank you. thanks for putting up with me. we gamers like to feel sorry for ourselves when civilians like yourself can't quite understand why we get all worked up over these stupid games. we get resentful knowing that you think this pastime is useless in the grand scheme of things. the secret truth is that, deep down, we know you're right. and we love you for letting us indulge.

this article is dedicated to jeff green, the ultimate sim father.

somebody hit me over the head with a virtual frying pan please.

absimilliard goes to mars

(absimilliard's adventures part ten)

after a series of long and arduous experiments involving human emotions, psychological inconsistencies, bizaare cocktails, and outrageous recipes, absimilliard decides it's time to go on another vacation.

i call up my friend mars, the genius who looks and thinks exactly like me, to come along since he doesn't have anything else to do. two hours later, he arrives with a huge camping bag.

"alright! let's do it! when do we leave?"

"in a little bit."

"oh goody. i've been dying to go back there."

"yeah? are you from mars.. mars?"

"nah. i'm from venus. but i knew this girl once, her name's venus, but she's from mars."

"swell. you know my dog, pluto.. he's not actually from pluto. he's from jupiter. my cat, jupiter, is from pluto."

"uhuh. funny how people get these things all mixed up. like when they named cheddar cheese, it's not from cheddar. it's from cow's milk."

"rrrright. whatever. you packing?"

"been. i got stuff here that none of them military farts know about. i got rocket science up in here."

"yeah? stuff like what?"

"well.. first off, i have some simple roadtrip food here, nothing special, just cans of pringles, combos, cheese balls, and spicy meat jerky, and some lemonade.. in can."

"waitaminute. there's no roadtrip, man. we're using the transdimensional ride we used last time. (see absimilliard's adventures four and five.)"

"oh. i thought we we're gonna hitch a ride with NASA. well.. if that's the case, you think i should get rid of these? i still got the hi tech stuff i was talking about anyways."

"nah. let's bring 'em along. you'll never know when we might need it, y'know. and what kind of hi tech stuff are you talking about?"

"oh.. hahaha. checkitout!"

"looks nice. what is it?"

"powdered beer, man. no need to add sugar."

"cool. we sure could use some of that."

"it gets better. comes in different flavors too. i got powdered wine, rum, brandy, vodka, whisky, juice, and alkaline water."

"alkaline water?!"

"i'm serious. just add water and it'll taste like.. alkaline water."

"i don't see how it matters. or what the difference is, even."

"you'll see. patience, my friend."

"i got powdered whatnots all over me. powdered pizza, powdered pasta, burger, everything, man. all the food we'll ever need in a month's obese life. i even got buzz gel, buzz water, buzz chips and buzz sticks, in case we need some kick, know what i mean? just for giggles."

"powdered food eh.. how the hell are we supposed to eat that? i don't think i could survive on just that."

"well, you'll see. just add a little bit of water, stick it in a microwave, and poof! ..dinner's up!"

"damn. you sure know yer stuff. but uh.. where'r we gonna get water? mars is a dry planet!"

"that's easy. that's why i'm bringing this state of the art microwave cannon. you see, mars is a frozen planet. it's not just desert. all i have to do is fire this thing on the ground and voila! instant well of pure unfiltered martian H2O. and with flavor too. 'cause see why it's red? it's chili powder."

"damn. you got every angle covered! you're a genius!"

"i know, right?"

"looks like the martians have a thing for spicy food. so.. are we ready?"

"ready when you are, son, show me the way to go home!"

the two hopped on the modified timespace jumpin' interdimensional ferrari beast. and in an instant, they are transported to the martian trading center.

"you have to move, sir. you can't park here."

"don't you guys got valet or something?"

"yeah, talk to that guy at the pentagon counter."

after a martian hour of talking to martian authorities trying to get martian travel passes, we set forth on a journey to the vast martian wasteland.

we found a great spot for our base camp near the cliffs of the oblivion mountains 23L.

took us a solid three hours to set it up since the two-story blow up insta-office didn't come with instructions on how to properly blow it all the way up. all it says is.. "blow it up. use pressure valve to obtain desired result."

after spending what seemed like ages exploring and searching for artifacts, we decided to take a break and study the items we have collected so far.

Guildmaster tm Battlechest
Cyberpunk tm Collector's Edition
SimBlogger Gold Edition
Great Aegis of +2 EN
Level 6 Mjolnir of Injustice
The Martian Scandal
Experimental Logs of Dr. Utkin
Kingdom Come - hardcover edition
The Time of Thin Blood with introduction by author
Mandalay Solace disc 1 and 2
Full Platemail of Invincibility
The Book of Nod
+2 Sword of Truth
The Lost Diary of Ares Dovegleon
Siegfried's Zweihander
Tao of the Machine Part 2
Helm of the Ages

"should be enough for now. we'll resume operations next week."

"you bet. in the meantime.. let's get Inom!"

"what?"

"oh. it's one of many languages i'm trying to inculcate. it's filipino. it means let's celebrate!"

"alright!! woohoo!"

"absimilliard drinks so much cocktail sending him into a frenzied state of intoxication with delusions of grandeur while mars, after drinking staggering amounts of vodka enters a trance-like state as he tries to figure out the flaw in Oppenheimer's formula.