zenith of virtue

i am asked why my body is replete with tattoos. specifically on areas where people can't see, because most would rest them where others may admire them for their creativity, or be appalled by them.

i don't just put on tattoos. these are latin inscriptions, and insignias. i don't even call it art. because if i do, they would lose their meaning altogether.

every etched emblem and inscription is accompanied by a pensive account.

i have them carved in places unseen because of the fact that the crowd is fickle. they see such marks on a person and he is permanently labeled a grim individual. i don't need them to see, for they will not understand. if i have to explain myself to every idiot in the world it would take several of my lifetimes. and it still wouldn't be enough to convince them to see things properly.

"so why do it, ares?" a friend asks.

i do it because of one simple reason. i am an emotionally unstable individual. i am not disturbed, as there is a considerable difference between the two.

i am easily overturned by emotional pressure. thus, i become dominated by emotional stress. though i am aided by alcohol to initially drive away a small share of the aggravation, i am left wounded by the remaining throes, which i cannot easily ignore.

which is why i have resorted to marking myself. i discovered that emotional injury can be channeled through a different medium. and because physical pain can easily be endured, much less healed, i have finally understood why i have been blessed with heightened salubrity and learned how to put my innate fortitude to good use.

i have evolved like this because i have been denied the gift of retention. now my mind has adapted in such a way that i am forced to heedlessly value my active emotions to percentages high above what is considered natural.

all these years, i have been chastised by the times, i have become a bastion of resilience. all things i shall endure. eventhough my soul is failing.

my body, is the roadmap of pain. i'd blindly take on all kinds of physical injury even if it means sacrificing my health just to save my soul from affliction.

"quod me nutrit me detruit." - what nourishes me, destroys me.

absimilliard up there

(absimilliard's adventures part eleven)

on our way back from mars (see absimilliard's adventures part ten), we were engulfed by a supernova cloud type a' thing. we thought we could save power if we just cruised back to the homeworld speed a' light style instead of taxing our transdimensional time-travelling beast hitting the insta-travel button.

sent us spiraling into an enormous cloud castle so massive with gates as wide as the rings of saturn.

"holy gates! lookit that!"

"awesome! what is this place?"

"i have no idea. let's ask that guy in the white shirt."

"uh.. greetings, kind sir. we're a little lost. could you help us out please?"

"que?"

"err.. whassat? i uhh.. me no speakuh en español, señor. could you show us where the reception desk is?"

"ah si, si, señorino, esta a la vuelta de la esquina."

"oh. uhm.. right. uhh.. no.. habla.. err.. hablo.. español?.. ser.. ahurm.. sir."

"la izquierda.." he says, turning his back and pointing to a massive sign that says "al departamento español".

"holy signs. this place has a spanish department. what in heavens did you get us into?"

"man you saw what happened, that cloud nova thing swallowed us whole. i didn't do anything."

after spending what seemed like hours navigating the white place, we bumped into a familiar face.

"hey.. what the.. are you.. bernie mac?"

"in the flesh, son! a merry blessed day to y'all!"

"didn't you uh.. perish?"

"of course. well okay, this isn't flesh, alright? i woulda said incorporeal shell or somethin'."

"oh. right. right. could you tell us what this place is?"

"beats me, i just done died and woke up in this here place of clouds. try asking around more though, i'm kind of new here, alright? one of them winged watchmen sure's bound ta give y'all kids an answer."

"winged watchmen? uh.. thanks.. i guess. hey.. pleasure meetin' you though."

"you bet. run along now, son. happy huntin'."

"let's look for one a' those archons mr. mac's been talking about, milliards."

"yep. let's try this avenue here."

we made a left on the corner with a huge statue of uriel and were greeted by a most blessed sight.

"nature most divine.. what is this? it's beautiful!"

"tell me about it. looks like a garden of some sort. see those yellow and blue stuff? flowers and everything."

as we approached the middle of the reserve we saw a tall arch that says "Garden of Eden".

"good heavens, we're in heaven!"

"holy carp. i feel sterile already."

"we better get out of here before somebody puts us in our rightful place."

"heavens, no. i mean.. this is heaven.. the land of mercy an' all things righteous. oh hey, there's one of 'em winged dudes over there. let's go talk to him."

"hallelujah, kind archon.. sir.. umm.. we're a bit lost."

"figures. whaddaya need?"

"right. uh.. we're looking for like.. the supreme being.. y'know where we can find him? and by the way, allow us to introduce ourselves. my name is absimilliard, and this here brother is mars."

"oh hey, how do you do? my name's gabriel. i'm the resident archangel here."

"resident archer what?"

"archangel. like.. an angel general."

"oh. right. archangel. like.. arc.. angel.. archangel?"

"right on, son. just follow this highway here and make a right once you see the huge statue resembling a cross between a knight and a warrior poet. should land you smack dab in front of the pearly gates."

"a what? well thanks, arch gabe."

"you bet. blessed day to ya."

"so whaddaya think mars?"

"you heard the man. let's continue along this express and keep our eyes open for that knight.. statue.. poet.. thing."

we spent thirty minutes on the express before we arrived at the pearly gates.

"oh hey look, it's really made of pearl!"

"figures. let's head inside and see if we can have an audience with the almighty."

"we were hailed by a man wearing a customized white robe and what looks to be a halo hovering over his head."

"hey, nice halo."

"you like that? i just had it done at the white city yesterday. help you boys with something?"

"yeah, my name is mars and this here fellow is absimilliard. we were wondering if you could show where we can find us the king of kings."

"no problem. i'm saint, by the way. last name's peter. you'll find him at the ivory tower."

"so your name is saint peter. uhh.."

"see that enormous tower? uhuh, that's the one."

"oh. of course."

"you're welcome."

"err huh..? hey thanks."

we went inside the ivory tower and found ourselves lost in the hall of eternity.

"lost, are we?"

we turn around and find a bearded man smiling at us.

"holy.. goodness.. you're.. are you..?"

"yes."

we immediately fell on our knees with tears in our eyes. "we're not worthy!"

"oh hey now, c'mon. no need for that. i know you boys have been good on christmas day."

"uh.. thanks. it's just that.. your righteousness is so radiant."

"hahaha. i get that a lot. so.. i hear you boys have been to lucifer's."

"yes we have, milord."

"so, what do you think?"

"well, it's one big party, that's for sure."

"yeah. i visit him sometimes. just to see how he's holding up. i mean, he WAS my brightest angel, y'know."

"so.. you forgive him, after the rebellion and everything?"

"of course. that was eternities ago. i guess he just wants to be on his own. i respect that."

"wow. i can never understand how much resolve you have, mighty."

"it's called the power of love, absimilliard. and everything else comes next. the difference being, some choose to abuse that power and thus, love becomes a reason for sin. much like money and power, which also roots from love."

"that's deep. that's.. that's definitely deep, omniscient one. so.. true."

"well, it's that simple, really. free will, was my gift to men."

"it's too bad we humans don't see things the way you do. i'm sorry. we lesser beings definitely deserve to be punished."

"hey, it'll be alright, you'll see. in the end, man will realize the value of righteousness."

"one would think so, lord of lords."

"anything else i can answer for my children?"

"uhh.. not right now, i think."

"uhh, we appreciate your kindness, father."

"aww, you kids are adorable. who knows, maybe one of these days i'll send for you. if you need anything.. just call."

"or pray.. right? many thanks, your grace."

"..'course. i'll have azrael here escort you to your vehicle. see you kids soon."

"err.. soon?"

HE smiles and disappears.

catching up with time

in a book written by lewis carol, "through the looking glass", there is a scene of alice and the red queen running fast, but the background, oddly enough, isn't moving. "this forest," the queen tells alice, "is in constant motion that you have to run faster than the forest just to get somewhere."

it reminds me of how i was, years ago. i kept wishing that one day everything would just stop, because i was always being left behind. i felt that the world was moving too fast, and that i could never catch up. and everytime i thought i finally did, there would always be some new theme that everyone else is in on and i would still be stuck with the predecessor.

i felt bad then because i thought i was hopeless and that it wasn't just because the world was moving too fast, but i was moving too slow. i always told my friends how i felt and they would tell me that i am an overly pessimistic person and that i have such a negative point of view.

it's not just negative. it's rotten.

i found this entry in my journal, dating back to that year. "i have no place left in this world. there is nothing here but sad memories, evil hearts, and twisted thoughts. i bear witness to how sick it has become. and everything i do just makes it ever more futile. i guess i'm just too old fashioned for this world. "

i never understood to this day why i felt that way. i always thought i had solid reasons to validate my distaste for the world and how things were. it's like the world has done me a lot of hurt, but i can't really point a finger knowing i'd end up pointing to a mirror looking at myself.

things have changed a bit over the years. now i wonder whether i've discovered to move with the world or i'm already moving too fast for the world. or maybe, just.. maybe.. the world has eventually stopped spinning altogether for everyone.

i either finally caught up with the times or just plain convinced myself not to care at all.

when i think about it with a more mature perspective.. these things.. all these.. don't matter.

"it's not important anymore. it's forgotten."