how to tell how gay your gay son is

your children are gay, you have always known it! but how can you prove it for sure? behold, a guide to proving your son is gay! these are can't-fail tests that should have you diagnosing deviant offspring as early as age 5. there's no use bothering with your daughter; she's stuck as a girl as it is.

1. casually ask your son at dinner, "so, ever have sex with a woman?" if he appears uncomfortable, he's gay. non-gays like sex with women.

2. place two photographs in front of your son lying face down. on the left place a photograph of tom welling, tv's gay superman; on the right place the stern but genial visage of james dobson. flip them over simultaneously. which does your son look at first? if he looks at tom welling, he is gay. if he looks at james dobson, he is gay with an unnatural fixation for james dobson.

3. tell your son you are going outside to play ball and wrestle alligators. then shove your son to the ground repeatedly and say, "whassamatta, crybaby? gonna cry? gonna cry?" if he cries he is a great big pussy and therefore gay. if he "takes it like a man" he's still gay, but one of those butch tough-guy gays, like a "bear" or a "top."

4. dunk your son into a deep pool of water. if he floats to the top, he is full of buoyant gaymotrons (identified by physicists as the gay particle) and therefore gay. if he sinks to the bottom and drowns, he is a poor swimmer and unathletic and therefore gay. if he begins to sink and then just sorta hangs there, the water is gay.

5. starve a large wolf cub for two days and have it wrestle your son. if he loses to the wolf, he's gay - it was only a wolf cub! if he beats the wolf, he is a lesbian. if he is beaten mercilessly by the wolf while apologizing for its economic agenda, he is a log cabin republican. if he is bitten by the wolf, he is now a werewolf. shoot him with a silver bullet before the rising of the next full moon.

absimilliard's fables : the bird and the ant

once upon a time there was an ant who loved the land like a frenzied rallyist for insect rights movement. he was trying to cross the river on accounta he was blown far away from his anthill to the other side of the river by a monsoon.

he climbed a fallen twig thinkin it would get carried by the water onto the next side. it didn't, because the twig was not exactly a twig but a papier mache crumpled like a twig and it slowly began ta absorb water an sink.

a bird saw the little ant in trouble and said, "little ant, little ant, do you need help?"

the ant said.. "whatsit look like, as*wipe?! toss me a damn leaf!"

so the bird dropped him a leaf an the ant was able ta cross the river safely. "thanks for nothin'."

being a kind hearted little critter, the little bird let the attitude pass.

the next day, the ant decided to cross the river again on accounta he left his antler an carapace scrub from yesterday. he got into trouble again because he climbed a papier mache that looks like a fruit.

the bird saw him an said, "little ant, little ant, do you need help?"

the ant said.. "what the hell do you think?! do somethin', birdboy!"

the bird dropped a leaf and the ant crawled on to it.

but the leaf slowly sank to the bottom and dragged the ant along with it cause it was only a papier mache made to look like a leaf.

the bird, seeing his mistake, decided that the ant was prejudiced against birds an that the ant deserved his fate.

a week later, as the bird was perched on a tree looking for ants in desperate need of help, a bird hunter snuck up on him an had im in his sights. "die, dumb duck!"

a group of ants saw the situation and crawled quickly on to the hunter and bit his leg as hard as they could thinkin they could help the bird react an escape in time.

the hunter blasted the bird away along with the branch with his double barrel shotgun with twelve gauge pellets. turns out, the hunter had a fake leg made out of toughened papier mache on accounta he lost his leg during world war 2 in cambodia where he stepped on a t9 anti-personnel mine.

the ants then got poisoned and died when the hunter went and pissed on their anthill cause he's been coked up on pcp. the hunter was arrested a week later on a complaint filed by the wildlife preservation party for hunting on tourist grounds and using illegal hunting weapons.

moral of the story - papier mache is dangerous.

fifty nifty somethings part two

51. i skipped workout just to do this stupid list.

52. the movie "gods and generals" is too damn long.

53. those blasted equations are keeping me up all night, only to discover the answer is just x.

54. this was supposed to be one long list, but i opted for something smaller to increase my blogging stats.

55. one of these days, my readers will find out i'm not so smart after all, and that i have to use more quasi-intellectual terms just to keep them interested. quasi huh.

56. i keep wondering why, even for a first meet, women think i'm relentless.

57. i really am not.

58. i have several retainers. they're dropping like flies.

59. i'm a sucker for happy endings.

60. i've been listening to so much nana moskouri.

61. i've heard too much pavarotti.

62. i need to figure out how to convert, organize, sort, and label eight gigabytes worth of mp3's i just copied from my sister's laptop.

63. i just had another bad breakup.

64. i've considered jumping from the twenty third floor balcony at least thirty six times.

65. when i get back home i'll bring that number up to sixty.

66. most of the articles in my blog are dedicated to people i know.

67. my secretary can tie cherry knots with her mouth at a rate of five per minute.

68. i found out women don't exactly consider it as a difficult feat.

69. took me fifteen minutes to realize it's just something i can't do.

70. yes, absimilliard is a poor kiss. he can't kiss worth crap.

71. why does coca cola advertise that coke zero tastes the same as the original, only with no sugar, when it really tastes like palmsweet? (it's an artificial sweetener, much like equal).

72. endurance tablets don't really do squat. when you can, you will. it's your heart.

73. my friend's ex-husband did five times a day, every day, for eight years. she said they never missed a day. superman in the flesh!

74. same girl said i was a weakling. go figure. talk about a sucker punch to the gonads!

75. my neighbor thinks i'm hot. unfortunately, she doesn't speak my language, or at least, any language i know of.

76. fact. on a good day, absimilliard can empty a whole bottle of fundador by himself. plus four beers to finish him off.

77. absimilliard's son's mother is the most beautiful girl he's ever known.

78. took him four years and shi*loads of alcohol to get over her.

79. i got whacked by eating too much bone marrow. i feel dizzy. i can't move my neck.

80. people don't know what "fnord" means. someone asks you a question you can't answer, just say "fnord". why? fnord.

81. new year's resolutions have a shelf life of two months, tops. things go back to normal afterwards and people make the same resolutions as they had last year.

82. my son plays battlegrounds better than i can.

83. the monolith is dead! long live the monolith!

84. you wonder why companies claim their products have aesthetic effects when they really don't. i don't even know what aesthetic means.

85. life is a joke. and humanity is the punchline.

86. they say when you have so many women in your life, you'll eventually lose all of them and end up single.

87. i should watch alfie again. the jude law remake.

88. women say the same things to you when they're in love. you wonder why you even bother looking all over the place just so you can hear it again and again. i should've recorded it the first time i heard it so i can play it back every time i need to hear it.

89. i keep arguing with myself whether or not i really am malcontent.

90. i wonder how i will be able to listen to all 3,317
music mp3's i have gathered so far.

91. you go to bed with wonder woman and in the morning you wake up with diana.

92. i've considered putting together something like a director's commentary for all the articles i've ever written.

93. i gave up realizing i'd end up writing a book five times lengthier than the blog itself.

94. nine out of ten people do not know what the "tilde" key is. well.. it's the "~".

95. you're welcome.

96. seventy eight percent of the people who create lists are suffering from boredom.

97. i am a stat monkey.

98. individuals who claim they are either atheist or agnostic believe in god. they're bitter. they think the world has done them a lot of hurt.

99. personally, i blame mtv, for making it difficult for aspiring artists to be somebody. it has set steep standards that every other wannabe is a clone of a celebrity.

100. i'm running out of ideas real fast.

fifty nifty somethings part one

1. is there life after death? does the cold, vast emptiness of space reinforce the notion that ours is the only planet cursed with sentience?

2. sounds like a good article. copy paste, copy paste, copy paste, rearrange this, rearrange that.

3. my father said that without memory, there is an absence of intelligence. i'm screwed.

4. everything has already been thought of by other people, and that new ideas are merely revisions of other people's creativity. there is no need to reinvent the wheel, except to add weight to the fact that it is round.

5. in the alpha centauri game, one of the faction leaders emphasized that the greater conundrum asks why a perfect god even bothered to create the universe at all.

6. i need a break from reality. and that means indulging in guilty pleasures.

7. you wonder why you ever engage in a lengthy conversation on a topic which may or may not be controversial and in the end decide it's not even worth bothering to talk about it at all.

8. my brothers read too much. my dad reads too much. my mom reads too much. i don't read, much.

9. does having raw egg really do anything whenever i work out?

10. where does one obtain a copy of the final print of "king's quest companion"?

11. it is science's fault that it wants to explain everything when sometimes, things don't need any explanation at all.

12. a girl asked me why i have an explanation for everything, however mote it is in the grand scale of things.

13. can't remember what i told her, but somehow i got her convinced.

14. i have increased my cockroach kill ratio to 4:6. the roach is dead! long live the roach!

15. i was told to think about happy memories for a change. i cried like a baby.

17. my bodyguard tells the same stories everytime we drink.

18. i started piecing together a chronicle of my blogging years. nothing's changed much.

19. i found out that my paltry hundred something articles is nothing compared to some people's thousands.

20. i wonder how fafblog's writers got their names.

21. i should change my name to something with a little more creativity. like.. absimilliards, or absmilliard. oh heck, absimilliard.

22. i've been taking too much interest in latin. latine loqui coactus sum. oops. sorry.

23. vah! denuone latine loquebar? me ineptum. interdum modo elabitur.

24. i've lost contact with most of my friends. at least i think they were.

25. the cornerstone of every countryside american home is.. the baseball bat.

26. people who work in call centers are overcaffeinated.

27. after all these years of stargazing, i still don't know squat about constellations.

28. i loved two books when i was young. james and the giant peach and.. journal of a teenage genius.

29. i believe in darwinism.

30. i started creating a soundtrack of my life. i came up with an initial list of five hundred songs. i need to figure out how to cut that list down to forty.

31. i keep revising my articles. i never got to post the revised editions because every time i read them, i keep making changes and calling them "final".

32. my new year's resolution was to cut down my drinking. however, circumstance still has me drinking on a daily basis. at least i can now blame someone else for my drinking.

33. i can't feel the difference between diablo 2 version 1.11 and 1.11b.

34. i want to sleep all day, but i have sleeping problems.

35. you wonder where things went wrong and why it got out of hand.

36. i need to free up loads of hard drive space.

37. who are the people behind the characters fafnir, giblets and medium lobster?

38. i need to find the cornucopia.

39. i always had this addiction for making lists. none of them ever made any sense.

40. this lady told me that i ask for sex like i was asking for a number. i believe it's polite to ask. in any case, i've proven that it is easier than asking for a number. sure as i am alcoholic.

41. i keep hearing "eek!" whenever the lady i am with sees the tattoos. yet in the middle of the heat, in some miraculous way, it turns them on and they go apeshi* and make me feel like i'm in bed with a mountain lion. and a rabid one at that! hot damn!

42. my friend asked why my writing has adopted mature content lately. i said.. "well what do you think?!"

43. i cut my heart out every night and in the morning it is whole again.

44. i should start a group blog. i'll call it.. "blog this."

45. they should have a gulag built for emotionally unstable bloggers like me.

46. i write awesome love letters.

47. cthulhu fhtagn.

48. i never got to develop guildmaster 2 like i promised years ago.

49. it must be raining betas in heaven. every new release has us frantically downloading the patch off their official website.

50. my best time for the rubik's cube is one minute and three seconds. i never did beat that. i was told that i needed to correlate the group theory with the uh.. the thing.

the catalyst

"vi veni veriversun vivus vici."

i have it etched on my back as a reminder of the penalty being exacted by my fugue.

they used to say the truth sets you free. they don't say that anymore.

still.. does it?

i delete all the messages in my phones. inbox, outbox, sent items, drafts, everything. i need to make sure nothing is left behind. i am consciously triggering the lethe. i will not remember anything in the morning. i'll just apologize tomorrow. i'd still be resented, but i will be understood.

i'll then convince myself that everything around me is fine.

i'll be left with the knowledge that i have detached a portion of my psyche. i deny myself the luxury of looking back. i tell myself not to care. i bury my curiosity.

i have enforced restraint. i'll regret that i did. and i will despise myself for doing so, because as soon as i wake up, i'd still be looking for answers and searching for at least a hint of what happened or what was said.

"por el poder de la verdad, mientras viva, habre conquistado el universo."

i live inside my head. my world is shaped by the lies i fabricate for myself, hidden behind a pretense of living a lucid mortal coil, devoid of any trivial strife. ignorance, is my only shot at a normal life.

tonight, i'll be dreaming of clouds. believing i have saved myself yet again from another miserable memory, dismissing any possibility of recoil.

the lethe will drag pieces of my soul along with it, eating away at my humanity with abandon. i tell myself.. the less i remember, the easier it is for me. yet in reality it won't be.

i am a residue of my recollections, made up of half truths and twisted facts. never more absolute than the scrap of maxims i leave myself with.

"by the power of truth, i while living, have conquered the universe." - faust

the absimilliards do bora

(absimilliard's adventures part twelve)

after being harassed by hundreds of people about going to the famed beaches of boracay, i finally gave in to reason. that the place will be action packed with swag, it'll be sick.

"alright, alright. i hope it's worth it."

"it will be, bro."

instead of using the time-travelling spacetime-jumping ferrari beast, we decided to do it the way people would normally do. by rental van. we didn't ride the bus since we are with child. no, not my son. the nephew. believe it or not, absimilliard does have siblings.

after a witch of a long ride to the port, we finally arrived. there wasn't much leg room at the back row because the seats were jammed close together so as to enable the rental van to accommodate four rows. my back hurt like hell but my abdominal pads ripped because i had to seat myself that the spine won't have to absorb all the strain.

there were four windows of cashiers, three of them we had to pay off. terminal fees and everything. i gave the cashier a naughty smile as i made my payment.

"thank you, sir."

"my pleasure, señorina."

i proceeded to the second window and was greeted by the same face. "what the.. wasn't i just talking to you?"

"i have no idea what you're talking about. that'll be fifty bucks for each of youse."

"you..wha.. alright.. here you go."

third window. "you got to be kidding me, right?"

"problem, sir?"

"you're the girl in the first and second window! c'mon, admit it!"

"fifty bucks, for each of y'all. you have problems, take it up with security."

"alright, alright, coolit, i got this. here. i get it.. y'all look the same to me."

"whatever." she says, rolling her eyes over.

at the terminal..

"sir, we need to inspect them luggage."

"go right ahead, boss."

"sir, i need to ask you a few questions about these items."

"those things? hahaha. them all's peripherals, officer."

"excuse me?"

"gadgets, my friend. this is rocket science right here."

"i need to ask you what these containers err.. contain."

"oh. they're harmless. just some sensitive items."

"what kind of items, sir?"

"..sensitive."

"alright. alright. just go on ahead and proceed to the corridor on the right."

"we appreciate your help, officer."

"you sure showed 'im, mars."

we didn't enjoy the boat ride that much because it was just a fifteen minute sit. couldn't appreciate it because the boat fellow pulled the plastic cover down to keep us from being splashed. no sea air, no fun.

we were greeted by a local asset at the port who was to guide us to our hotel. another twenty minute ride in a thing they call "multicab".

"i'm getting sick of all this. where the heck is the beach, sissy?"

"be patient, kuya. we're almost there."

"i'm getting pms already."

"pms?!"

"perpetual motion syndrome."

"uhh. well.. i.. oh great, we're here!"

boracay. home to the white sand bitc*es and illegal aliens. land of liquor and all things worldly. after checking in at the hotel, we decided to meet up at the beach to discuss our gameplan.

"okay. so we're all here. i don't think we'll get to swim. rain's really coming down hard."

"yeah. besides, baby's acting up. we better take him back to the hotel."

"you go on right ahead, we'll stay here and drink."

"alright. you kids be good now."

"will do, big sis."

we ordered drinks and bought some hotdogs. we stared at each other for what seemed like hours.

"that's it?! i thought this was supposed to be fun?!"

"look around, abs. can't you see? the place is crawling with women! take your pick!"

"hot damn! you're right!"

"damn straight, holmes, i'ma lose my virginity here!"

"whaaaat?!"

"i'm kidding, milliard. hey.. didn't you say your uhh.. woman is coming?"

"oh hahaha. yep. she'll be here any moment. i'ma get me some tonight, done deal!"

"dammit, what about us? what are we supposed to do now? not fair!"

"look, mars, why don't you and ares loiter and see if you can catch yourselves some game. i'll wait here and drink myself to death."

"good idea. sit tight now, we'll be upping our ante in a little bit."

i drank what seemed like two dozen bottles. the two gentlemen never came back. i guess they must be neck deep in the evils of beaching.

"oh shhii*. hic. i can't see shi*. i.. hic.. gotta.. git up.. hic.. dammit.."

"hey stranger."

"whassat? you.. hic.. who there?"

"it's me. c'mere. i'll take you to your room."

"thhhankks. i damn near pissed meself. hic.. youse a angel, honey.. hic."

"you try and have some rest, boss. i'll get you some coffee."

an hour later i sobered up a little.

"uhh. so.. how'd you get here, hot hips?"

"found you at the beach. you were kissing that bottle and hugging the table. you were with those.. women. you were gonna go with them. had to bail you outta there."

"goodness. thanks, i guess. i would've been singing engel and du hast mizh with them right about now. my head hurts. bring any pill for me?"

"yeah. advil. here you go."

"thanks, babelicious. owe ya. you sures take care of me don'tcha?"

"i'm just doing what i can, sir. you better get some sleep now. we'll talk in the mornin'."

"wait. grab that red pouch, will ya? it's on the table right there. there's medicine in it. get me two of what you can find, angel eyes. winkwink."

"oookaay.. what's this?"

"gimme that. toss me that bottle of water, mommythings."

"i said.. what the heck is that?!"

"endurance tablets, baby! hahahaha! what, you think you can get away this time?! c'mere, daddy wanna play! let's do sacred things and make animal noises. y'know, mommydaddy stuff."

"oh god. here it comes."

woke up early morning aching in places i've never known could ache.

"some night, huh. i think i'ma go out an' jog a little, sugarlips."

"duh. quit acting like you can even remember what happened."

"jesus, babe.. why are you so cruel to me?"

"just do what you gotta do, okay? i need to sleep."

came back after a couple of hours.

"wow. you look tremendous, ladybug. mmm. i love ya."

"you're such a DOM, mister."

"delicious old man? you don't say!"

"whatever. have you checked on your siblings yet?"

"yeah uh.. they're downstairs waiting for us. breakfast."

"take a bath. you smell like beer."

after breakfast we went for a stroll to see what the place has to offer. same bars. same hotels. same thing. same as any other beach. island hopping, banana boating, wakeboards, washboards, soapboards. and then there's the henna booths.

"i got a great idea, mars. i'ma walk up to those booths and get a henna."

"what for? yer peppered full of tattoos already."

"get this.. i'ma go there and have them henna my tattoos off with regular skin color. how's that? genius, yes?"

"great idea. let's go."

while walking, we happened upon a group of women wearing almost nil.

"great worldliness! check out the locals!"

"goodness gracious! so much swag! noooooooo!"

"help you with anything?" says this lady.

"i.. uhh.. excuse me?"

"i got black, white, brown, yellow. what's your mojo?"

"my mojo?!"

three pages of mature content later..

"where've you been?, we've been looking all over for you." says big sister.

"that's funny. we've been looking for youse too!"

"whatever. let's do what we came here to do. where's your girl?" says little sister.

"oh i uhh.. i just called her. she'll be here any sec."

"great. let's party!"

so it went on, with me learning many things. that the place is just like any other resort. that money is your yellow passkey, and charm as your red passkey. the white sand extends up to a hundred meters plus off the shore, the bars are great, the hotels are wonderful, the food is alright, the locals are as friendly as expected of our countrymen, the women are like no other, and the beach itself is.. well.. it's the beach. same as it's always been.